IS THIS JUSTICE

WHAT THE HELL



so I'm walkin into walmart to buy toys intended for
children but purchased for me and there is this
wolfy walmart greeter bitch at the front and she is
like sixty years old or something, i don't know older than
adventure team bear molester or whatever
and what is she doing BUT TEXTING SOMEONE
on her pay and go cell phone.

how the fuck do you expect to make it in the high
stakes world of greeting me at walmart if you
don't even fucking greet me. now i am not
going to buy 3 resolute cobra commanders:
1 to open, 1 to keep MINT ON CARD and 1
to feed to my dog because DEATH OF THE LINE.



how does your future look bitch.
i stole these pictures because if
i took a picture of you with my cell phone
you'd text your old ass friends about it
and then you'd get in a big TXT CONVERSATION
about how kids today don't respect their elders
and they are just taking camera phone pictures when
a woman is trying to txt her friend Grettle about her hip
replacement and her grandkids jail time!!!

FUCK YOU
don't text
when you
should be
greeting me


thank you for your time,

Thomas Wheeler Jr

COBRA GOT LEGS

S.E.A. Legs, that is!



SURPRISE
ENGAGE
ATTACK

And let's be fucking serious. There is nothing more surprising than a robot on goddamn awkward stilt legs popping up out of the swamp or whatever shooting high-tech lasers at America's fightin' forces!

WHY HAS NO TOY EVER BEEN MADE OF THIS
IT COULD BE SO EASY, SO EASY

Especially now that Hasbro owns Star Wars rights or whatever. Slap an Imperial shuttle chassis between some Rock'em Sock'em Robot thighs and wrap 'em up with a repainted Para-Viper or something.

I honestly hope these fucking things show up in the movie. G.I. Joe was never about realism, bitches. It was about absurdly expensive, unwieldy technology saving the day against even more unwieldy technology (where the hell would Cobra be able to park its opening-theme-song airship??).

AND WE LOVE IT FOR THAT

now if you'll excuse me I am going to cry myself to sleep in a pile of Liefeld-studio Image comic #1 issues.

The Olive Branch - Broca Blutch buries the hatchet with new feature

In February of 2009, the venerable G.I. Joe supersite Hisstank
(http://www.hisstank.com) began looking for new forum moderators. As a
token of goodwill (end the blog hate in 08... too late??), Broca
Blutch has agreed to post applications from prospective forum
moderators. The application only has one question: "What makes YOU
right for the job?"


Here is an application from Hisstank member BombIraq(YoJoe2006),
submitted just today.


You know me as Bomb Iraq Gi Joe 2007 bitches, but my real name is Joe.
That's right just like GI Joe. Here's a little bit about me, i am rich
as hell and my girlfriend got big titties cause she is a porn star. Do
you remember those pics of that fly bitch holdin up skystrikers in
front of her hooties? Yeah man if that didn't make you shout 'Cobra
Retreat' i don't know what would lol.

The hisstank is full of a lot of bitches and little nerd twatwipes,
but let me tell you I am cool. I got a house that is worth more then
everything at JoeCon put together and it's full of like 40 USS Flaggs.
I don't even like the Flagg but I GOT 40 OF EM BITCHES. That's how
rich and popular i am.

I am not any faggot nerd, but i am the king of you faggot nerds. I got
fresh-ass hoes with hot big titties who will pose with my technodromes
cause i am so rich and my dick is bigger than the entire adventure
team (old school reference, dig it). all of you dumb bitch nerds
worship me cause i got a fly goatee and i can afford fine ass silk
dragon shirts imported from China. i am into GI Joe, but I'm not a
faggot like some of those nerds.

i have probably beat your ass at Halo 3 on Xbox 360 Live, nerd, so let
me tell you my next point: the hisstank needs someone to regulate. All
faggots gotta be banned. anyone who doesn't want to look at my woman's
titties can just get off the hiss tank. anyone who talks about Rod
Stewart, that cum drinking queer, can get off of The Tank!! we need to
keep it old school, I ain't going to ban a brother cause he thinks
Reagan should have been on the team instead of Sarge Slaughter, that
dude was a terrorist and that is real.

i am the best choice for moderator. i got BOMB IRAQ tattooed on my
knuckles cause i am serious, but i have a fuckin life unlike the rest
of these nerds.

thank you for your time,

bombiraq(yojoe2006)

moments of silence: our bread and butter

this picture reminds me of old times, johnny.
do you remember when my computer died and you
took a picture of your favorite figure aka
sigma six six six adventure action force
tracker spyro iron knife? on a heathcliff
kitchen towel? i remember it perfectly, every detail

look, the crossbow is you and the snake is me.
that's sort of biblical i know, but i am a scholar,
what can i say? i have read a maths book.

i have always been the first to admit that
broken blatch ripped off smoosh the stain.
i saw sts on hiss tank one day and my world
was shattered-- i told tobin we had to start
a GI Joes blog or i would pull the trigger
of the snub nosed revolver i had pointed at
his head that very moment.

smash the state was the reason i wanted
to start this thing. we have some hiatuses,
we get burned out, we try to sell zebras
into some sort of weird sex slavery when we
need a little extra cash, but brotho blood
would be nothing without the smash the state figure review a thon.

i am sorry if we wronged you, mr. johnny. i hope you keep in touch.

i know i will continue to keep in touch with myself, so you should too.

A G.I. Joe Tragedy

In 2008, Sgt. Barnes S. Bumble began making his groundbreaking
film 'Fighting for Freedom: A G.I. Joe Documentary'
In late 2008, Sgt. Bumble was murdered in his one bedroom
apartment in Utah. The killer was never found.

The film was never released. Until now.
It is the hope of Broca Blutch that we, in
cooperation with our readers,
will bring justice to this world for
the death of a revolutionary film maker
and a great mustache I mean man.

PART 4: SGT. ALBERT "ALPINE" M. PINE

Bumble: So, Alpine. What's it like being the only black man from Minidoka, Idaho.

Alpine: What's it like opening with a race question, Bumble!

Bumble: Uh sorry. Let me ask you this-- do you carry a standard issue laser rifle with a grappling hook attached to its sights or is that a real grappling hook gun?

Alpine: Look, man. I can climb the roughest mountains in the world while balancing my checkbook and cleaning the smudges from my prescription mountaineering goggles!

Bumble: So... it's real?

Alpine: You know what's real? Watching the first girl you ever put some fingers up in die at the hands of your first accounting professor. You know what's real? Albert M. Pine, codename: Alpine! You know what's real? The US of A! You know what's real? This broke-ass economy!

Bumble: So that grappling hook gun is as real as it gets?

Alpine: Man this thing is a weak ass grappling hook glued to the front of a laser rifle that stopped firing lasers six months ago. You know how much rope this thing has? A foot-- and it's attached to this dollar store pickaxe Duke gave me as a god damn White Elephant gift! This grappling hook doesn't fire, and even if it did that shit would just make me fall flat on my face because it's tied to the pickaxe on my $14 Eastpack backpack! You know they took away my machine gun too? That shit is REAL.

Bumble: Man, the economy. That shit is real.

Alpine: It ain't just nerds losing money anymore, my man. That is real.

Real A$$.



Bumble: Almost too Real A$$.

OPERATION: GET THE SUPPLIES

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF G.I. JOE AND COBRA

IN

"OPERATION: GET THE SUPPLIES"

PART 14 of 22



WHILE THE BATTLE RAGED ON THE SUPPLIES CONTAINER SAT ALONE IN THE DARKNESS, ITS NOTHINGNESS WEIGHING UPON ITSELF LIKE SO MUCH HEAVY NOTHING. IT WOULD HAVE WEPT FOR ITSELF IF IT HAD TEARS OR A FACE OR SENTIENCE BUT IT DID NOT ... IT DID NOT.




JUST THEN A CRACK FORCE OF COBRA OPERATIVES, CONSISTING OF CODENAME: BARNOESS AND CODENAME: COBRA B.A.T. (STANDING FOR B.A.T. ANDROID TROOPER) PARACHUTED IN NEAR THE CONTAINER.

"COBRA COMMANDER I HAVE FOUND THE SUPPLIES JUST AS YOU HAVE ORDERED" WHISPERED BARONESS INTO HER WALKIE TALKIE. "AT LONG LAST WE WILL DEFEAT THE JOES!!"

"BEEP BOOP" SAID COBRA B.A.T. AS ITS SERVOS WHIZZED IN PREPARATION TO OPEN THE CONTAINER AND RETRIEVE ITS TREASURES DEEP WITHIN. "BLIP"



GUNSHOTS RANG OUT! PEW POW! IT'S WILD BILL AMERICAS SWEETHEART!

"YOU VARMINTS," HE SAID IN HIS TEXAN ACCENT. "YOU GIT 'ER GONE FROM THAT THERE CONTAINER. AINT NO SUPPLIES FOR YALL!"

IT WAS ALL BARONESS COULD DO NOT TO SCREAM, HER HEAVING BOSOM WET WITH THE SWEAT OF FRUSTRATION AND FEAR THAT SHE MIGHT DIE TO ONE OF THOSE DEADLY ACCURATE WHITE PISTOLS. BEHIND HER COBRA B.A.T. CONTINUED ITS OPERATION, UNFAZED BY HUMAN EMOTION.



"I SAID DONT YALL GO DO THAT!" WILD BILL SHOUTED, RUNNING FORWARD. DISTRACTED BY COBRA B.A.T. HE DID NOT NOTICE THE ONLY OTHER PERSON THERE LIFT HER MACHINE GUN AND FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

WILD BILLS HAT FLEW INTO THE AIR, SPECKLED WITH BULLET HOLES. "TARNATION! THAT WAS MUH FAV-O-RITE! I'LL GET YOU COBRA!!"



"SUPPLIES!" SHOUTED LONG DUCK DONG AS HE JUMPED OUT OF THE CONTAINER SWINGING LINKS OF FROZEN SAUSAGE. HIS ASIAN FOOT SWEPT THE LEG JOHNNY AND KNOCKED COBRA B.A.T. ONTO ITS BACK ... ITS ONE TRUE WEAKNESS.

MEANWHILE WILD BILL HAD BARONESS IN HIS SITES. "YOU PUT THAT THERE RIFLE DOWN CUTIE," HE SAID. "AND TAKE OFF THEM FUCK-ME BOOTS. I'M GONNA PUT EM TO GOOD USE MYSELF."

"YOU PLAN TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME?" BARNOESS ASKED.

"HECK NAW, I LOVE THE FEEL OF THE BOOTS ON MY THIGHS WHILE QUICK KICK THERE CRAMS HIS SINGLE BARREL PUMP ACTION YOGURT RIFLE INTO MY YAWNING FUDGE MINE. VIVA LA CONFEDERACY!"

TO BE CONTINUED

Metallic R.I.P.

RIP Ron Asheton 1948-2009