"Beret Patrol"

SONG OF THE PARA-VIPER

Episode One

"BERET PATROL"



"Ready for mission insertion!" Para-Viper Delta Psi 238 shouted in the night air. "Just call me ... Death Adder. That's going to be my codename, you know."

Nemesis Enforcer Immortal could only roll his eyes in response.

"Let's DO THIS!" the Para-Viper screamed, knocking his fist against his helmet for good luck.

The giant winged fantasy creature who was kind of badass but seriously Cobra-La was so fucking stupid guys let go and soared away, his terrible wings beating the sound of fear into the night.



"YEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

Para-Viper Delta Psi 238's earpiece radio squawked to life. "This is Tele-Viper Echo Foxtrot. Shut the fuck up. This is a stealth mission, soldier! Oh, and by the way, you're about to land on a GI Joe aircraft."

"What the fuck--?" the Viper responded.



Inside the aircraft's cockpit, CAPTAIN BRAD "ACE" ARMBRUSTER shifted his weight, as his erection - caused platonically by turbulence vibration - made it difficult to lie on his stomach, especially since he couldn't actually see out of the cockpit window. "Guys," he signaled via Morse code back to the Pit, "This test-craft sucks worse than the SHARC. Tell Grand Slam that just because there are eyeballs decal'd on the nose, that doesn't mean that you can actually use them to see."

KRONKKK went the Para-Viper landing on the Night Specter (available for only a limited time at TARGART).

Ace tried desperately to maneuver himself - unsuccessfully - to see what was going on out of the corner of his eye. "Oh SHII--"



Some time later, Para-Viper Delta Psi 238 crawled out from under the wreckage of the Night Specter. Sure, he'd been trained how to leap out of planes - but not how to LAND the damn things. "This is Death Add--uh, Para-Viper Delta Psi 238. Insertion accomplished. Time to blow a Joe ... AWAY, that is!"



"Guys," Nash Bridges called to his much cooler beret-wearing brethren. "Did you hear that?"

"Man, we do NOT bring him along next time," Stalker hissed at Flint.

"Really?" Flint replied sarcastically. "Just try to ignore him. Now, come on - that cache of Scarlett's used panties I hid has got to be around here somewhere."



Just then - the Para-Viper/DEATH ADDER sprung out of the shadows and snapped Falcon's neck like his fingers were keeping time to Ornette Coleman jazz music. The lieutenant's body dropped to the ground faster than soap in prison.



As Para-Viper Delta Psi 238 slid the knife from his ankle sheath, its nearly-inaudible SLIIIING sound caused the two trained GI JOE operatives to turn quickly, spotting the covert operations Cobra trooper.

"Aw, nutsack!" Stalker shouted, cocking his gun. He began pouring semiautomatic rounds into his enemy's body.



Flint, meanwhile, threw his shotgun at the Para-Viper with such force that it caved in his mouth and collapsed his windpipe, killing him more instantly than Stalker's 40+ shots fired could have. Because Flint rules, even without his kid gloves.



Later, Flint humped Lady Jaye senseless on the corpse of Para-Viper Delta Psi 238, which was on Falcon's corpse. Stalker beatboxed and occasionally took photos. It was a routine weekend for the Joes.

THE END