Broca Blutch Holiday Special: Merry Bossksmas!

"And so, Bossk, that's when I said '4-LOM... shit! I thought you were Zuckuss!"

"GRAAAAGHH!! This non-Bossk chatter has gone on long enough, Vintage Dengar! And Bossk is the only one who is allowed to make off-color robot jokes on the Bossk show!! Now silence, before Bossk sells you to Mom'sbasementian Slavers!"

"Now, because it is a special time, allow Bossk to tell you how Bossk saved Christmas and brought holiday cheer to many of the Bossks on Planet Bossk!"

"Planet Juniper IV in the Lumbros system is home to a planet of sentient tree-men. Their governor, Professor Pennington Pinesmas, has lowered carbon emissions and saved many endangered species throughout the galaxy. He is the bane of poachers galaxy-wide... so, naturally, Bossk had the idea to hunt him down, murder him and display his corpse in the Bossk household's living room, and decorate him with cheap lights and plastic ornaments!! The great hunt began!"

"As soon as I landed, I saw that dratted internet meme Admiral Ackbar and his deadbeat cousin Juan-Pablo! GRAAAGH! They were inviting Juniper IV into the Republic for "Good Deeds," which must be fishman language for "being giant homosexual tree men." And let Bossk tell you, the only thing worse than Ackbar is Juan-Pablo! He doesn't even speak English, he just fish-jabbers and waves his arms around!! Ackbar only keeps him around so that the fish people of the fish nebula or wherever the fuck he comes from still think he is not a sell out! Let Bossk tell you, Ackbar left the Hood behind a long time ago!! He has Republic money now, and has no use for fishfood stamps!!"

"Soon enough, Ackbar and Juan-Pablo left to go stare at a ceramic castle and eat pickled algae. Bossk was right there. Pinesmas looked terrified to see Bossk, and all of his people shook so hard with fright that they all began shedding their disgusting tree-needles! Even Bossk knows you have to put a tree in one of those weird pans full of water or it sheds everywhere!
Needless to say, Bossk was grossed out, but the thrill of the hunt overtook that unpleasant sensation!"

"Bossk killed a Jedi last Thursday while looking for Wookiee Life Day Celebrations to crash. There is nothing more pleasurable than taking a giant Yule Tide Dump on a Chewbacca's kitchen table! GRAAAGH! So Bossk found himself with a lightsaber, a most primitive and disgusting weapon... but Bossk also read on the internet that a lightsaber wound causes the treemen of Juniper IV excruciating pain!! Bossk ignited the disgusting mammal weapon and made the kill!"

"Bossk was victorious! Oh, how all of the Bossks on Bossk World would rejoice with the singing of joyous murder-carols!"

"GRAAAGH! It was then that Juan-Pablo found Bossk and started gibbering in some fish-Arab jive, so Bossk had no alternative but to light him on fire!!"

"Admiral Ackbar must have heard the fishpig squealing of his deadbeat cousin. He threatened Bossk with arrest! Bossk is never going back to prison. Not ever. So, Bossk showed his true Christmas Spirit and destroyed the evidence! 'Merry Fishmas, Gill-Queer!' Bossk yelled as the people of Juniper IV screamed in agony."

"Bossk took a few extra treemen home to make into Bossk Brand Bossk Gin to sell during rerun season! But when Bossk got back to Bossk City, Bossk realized that he had no one to celebrate Christmas with! Ex Mrs. Bossk and Bossk Jr. have been tainted by that fool Ted, and Bossk wants nothing to do with them!! Bossk longs for the old Christmases, filled with roasting
chestnuts and devouring my broodmates."

"That was... a... Merry Christmas, Bossk."

"GRAAAAGH!"

(Special thanks to Phil Larry Potter for the space ghost desk and for the crayons he stole from his children to give to me. Special thanks to my cat for knocking things over all the time. Special thanks to the Broca Blutch reader who requested a very Bossk Christmas! I hate Christmas but love Bossk.)