The Worst Car in Boise

If you are like everyone else, you assume that Boise, ID is a redneck town with 14 residents, 13 of whom are toothless and unemployed. You might assume that the worst car in Boise is a mostly broken-down white Dodge truck with ICP hatchet man stickers and a big decal that says REDNECK on its rear window. That truck also has a handicapped parking pass and always takes the good spots. That truck belongs to my upstairs neighbor, and I am here to tell you that it is far from the worst. The worst car belongs to a nerd-- and likely an armchair nerd at that.

You are thinking "oh hey, that is a cute and subtle way to tell people you like Transformers, putting that shit from the Decepticon cop car from Michael Bay Presents the Gobots Vs. Good Taste on your blue Honda, which also has a giant spoiler." You are wrong. Michael Bay and I have a lot in common, and I have a lot to thank him for. We both hate Transformers and have no reverence for the source material, and he has ferreted out every terrible nerd and pseudo-nerd that I can now safely avoid since Transformers merchandise can be easily purchased at every mall cell phone kiosk. I did not always hate Transformers, but Michael Bay showed me that a dumb cartoon used to sell toys could also be brought down to every other lowest common denominator and therefore I have devoted my life to much more sophisticated pursuits, such as my crossover webcomic about Leisure Suit Larry and the racist crows from the movie Dumbo.

Oh shit, it gets worse. The king of the nerds drives a really fast blue Honda and he loves Transformers, you can bet your life on that. He likes to impress the ladies with bold statements like this. He also learned his grammar from 4chan and subtitled episodes of Narutos. He is the alpha nerd, with his lip ring, backwards hat and I'm Firin' Mah Laser t-shirt, so his smarter friends are afraid to push him off of his throne of gordita wrappers and pizza boxes (no offense to pizza, that shit is off the chain) by telling him that it should be "YOU'RE behind me."

Fear the leader of the nerd tribes with the Marvel Infinity War shirt he bought from Hot Topic and his collection of Nightwish albums. This is his chariot, and your right where you belong, ready to get enslaved and punished.