Ask Beach Head: May 8th, 1985

In an attempt to create better public outreach and give people a little more information about America's Number One Fighting Force the "Ask Beach Head" column was printed in the Hoboken, New Jersey daily paper from 1985 to 1989. We have reprinted his column from May 8th, 1985.


Dear Beach Head, I want to join G.I. Joe but I have flat feet. How else could I help?

Beach Head: FLAT FEET! Is that the bullshit excuse your going to use when a Cobra Alley Viper breaks into your bedroom and goes for your wife. I hate you physical disability whiny bitches! Before I joined the Rangers I had flat feet, but guess what I didn't do. I didn't cry about it, instead I took a hammer and banged some arches into my feet. Then to make sure they worked I did a twenty mile run. If you don't stop making excuses and get serious, I am going to ambush you at your county fair and beat you senseless in front of your kids! Then I'm going to go enjoy Styx, because they are as serious about rocking as I am serious about protecting this country! YO JOE!

Dear Beach Head, I'm twelve and my one dream is to be in G.I. Joe. What can I do to start preparing to become part of the G.I. Joe team?

Beach Head: I love to hear from great AMERICANS like yourself son. First thing you are going to want to do is start getting in shape. Your twelve so you running like a 9 minute mile? Your going to have to get that down. By thirteen you better be hitting five minutes, maybe five fifteen if you have the flu. I remember when I was twelve I was able to do a solid fifteen miles a day but not everyone is as fit as I was, so I would probably let you get away with only doing twelve miles. Second, you are going to need to get that strength up for when you have to cave in a Eels head with your bare hands. As a kid, I recommend you try to do more reps with less weight. Don't feel bad if you can only bench two hundred pounds as long as you do a solid set of fifty reps three times you should be looking good. Third, love the hell out of the greatest country on this planet. You have to ask yourself if you have the dedication to your country to become a Joe. If there is even a split second where you think a Cobra uniform looks 'cool' or you feel like you are not ready to murder every single member of that terrorist group then don't even try to join G.I. Joe. If you do join and I see you slip in your dedication even once, the last thing you see will be my pistol and the last thing you hear will be the click as I pull the trigger. So good luck, and stay strong little buddy!

Dear Beach Head, What does the inside of that mask smell like?

Beach Head: I don't know if you can handle the answer to that question. Do you really want to know? Alright, I'll tell you. IT SMELLS LIKE GOD DAMN FREEDOM! It smells like sweat, blood, and terrorist tears! The musk on this mask is so strong that a weaker man would suffocate from the weight of responsibility it brings. Luckily, G.I. Joe has no hygiene requirements so they don't make me wash it. Unluckily, without that hygiene requirement we get people like Clutch in G.I. Joe. Everyone on the team knows he shits his pants on every mission. So when it comes to being a member of the Joe team you have to be ready to endure smells that no civilian could stand.

Dear Beach Head, my knives are torched. how do I hide them from my mom?

Beach Head: I'm not sure why your knives would be torched, I would imagine it is because you got into some sort of scuffle with an Incinerator. Getting in close and using bladed weapons was your first mistake when fighting someone with a flamethrower. Run ten miles and do a hundred push ups while you ponder why you were so stupid! Now back to the problem with your mom, why are you worried about her seeing your damaged equipment? Is she also your quartermaster or wait...Is she a filthy Cobra sympathizer? I know this is going to be hard to hear but you have to make the right choice and take her out. I had a problem like this last week. My neighbor put his rototiller away without cleaning it. The only kind of person who could do that is someone who is lazy or a member of Cobra. I erred on the side of caution and ordered an air strike on his house. The property value is going to go down for a while but in the long run the whole neighborhood will thank me.

That's all the time I have now, I need to get a twenty mile run in before morning PT. YO JOE!