In the year of our lord and savior Jesus Christ 1987, the hard-hitting documentary GI Joe: The Movie was released. It was instantly panned by both critics and the pentagon, who believed that some of the imagery was "faked for an Oscar nod." In 2009, a follow-up documentary entitled GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra was released. To commemorate the special occasion of Rise Of Cobra's release to Netflix's Watch Instantly service, Broca Blutch has interviewed three of the men portrayed by the 1987 film.
SGT. Chaning "Duke" S. Hauser-Tatum, GI Joe Field Commandant
"Yeah, see, in the new movie it shows that the brass gives guys body armor now. Say what you want about Secret Muslim Hussien Obama, but at least he'll shell out twenty bucks to give a guy a kevlar vest and some moonboots. Ronald Reagan wouldn't even take a Hamilton out of his ceramic pony fund to buy me a pair of gloves, which almost makes me regret the Bedtime for Bonzo tattoo on my ass. But nothing will make me regret voting for him, because that man allowed me to kill more colored people than Hurricane Katrina. Look, my whole point is that there are very few snakes, thrown or otherwise, that can bite through body armor."
LT. Don J. Falcon, Pulling Rank
"They're both pieces of shit. What guy wants to see, on his own new color TV with built-in VCR, his ass getting kicked by some bat-faggot or a handful of organic spinach with aphids still crawling all over it? Look, I'll give it to you straight-- I'll still watch that movie, even though it's a piece of shit. Why? You know when you're in an airport and you're done taking a dump and the toilet flushes automatically and you're really pissed off? You know why that is? Because a man wants to take a look at the shit he just took. It's a man's right to examine his dump. How lumpy is it? Is there corn in there? We want to know. There is some part of me in this piece of shit, and I want to see how it turned out."
SGT. Roadblock"Listen now to what I say, that new documentary is pretty gay. Back in the 80s it was called sinnin', but in 2009 a brotha can have white women? I got no white women and I feel cheated, even though Cobra's been defeated. I'm hoppin' mad and that ain't no lie... and now Black Ripcord's GOTTA DIE!"