Broca Blutch Wave Two: The Two Is Really a 2

Broca Blutch Endorses Huffing

2011-11-29T17:14:00.001-08:00

Blog Update for 2011-2012 Academic Year

2011-11-13T20:22:00.001-08:00

GI Joe The Movie: Then and Now

2011-03-02T01:09:00.001-08:00

In the year of our lord and savior Jesus Christ 1987, the hard-hitting documentary GI Joe: The Movie was released. It was instantly panned by both critics and the pentagon, who believed that some of the imagery was "faked for an Oscar nod." In 2009, a follow-up documentary entitled GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra was released. To commemorate the special occasion of Rise Of Cobra's release to Netflix's Watch Instantly service, Broca Blutch has interviewed three of the men portrayed by the 1987 film.

SGT. Chaning "Duke" S. Hauser-Tatum, GI Joe Field Commandant

"Yeah, see, in the new movie it shows that the brass gives guys body armor now. Say what you want about Secret Muslim Hussien Obama, but at least he'll shell out twenty bucks to give a guy a kevlar vest and some moonboots. Ronald Reagan wouldn't even take a Hamilton out of his ceramic pony fund to buy me a pair of gloves, which almost makes me regret the Bedtime for Bonzo tattoo on my ass. But nothing will make me regret voting for him, because that man allowed me to kill more colored people than Hurricane Katrina. Look, my whole point is that there are very few snakes, thrown or otherwise, that can bite through body armor."

LT. Don J. Falcon, Pulling Rank

"They're both pieces of shit. What guy wants to see, on his own new color TV with built-in VCR, his ass getting kicked by some bat-faggot or a handful of organic spinach with aphids still crawling all over it? Look, I'll give it to you straight-- I'll still watch that movie, even though it's a piece of shit. Why? You know when you're in an airport and you're done taking a dump and the toilet flushes automatically and you're really pissed off? You know why that is? Because a man wants to take a look at the shit he just took. It's a man's right to examine his dump. How lumpy is it? Is there corn in there? We want to know. There is some part of me in this piece of shit, and I want to see how it turned out."

SGT. Roadblock

"Listen now to what I say, that new documentary is pretty gay. Back in the 80s it was called sinnin', but in 2009 a brotha can have white women? I got no white women and I feel cheated, even though Cobra's been defeated. I'm hoppin' mad and that ain't no lie... and now Black Ripcord's GOTTA DIE!"

Meet the Fucking Outer Space Men

2011-02-27T18:03:00.000-08:00

Bomb the Russians

2011-02-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

Ask Beach Head: May 8th, 1985

2011-01-27T13:31:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to create better public outreach and give people a little more information about America's Number One Fighting Force the "Ask Beach Head" column was printed in the Hoboken, New Jersey daily paper from 1985 to 1989. We have reprinted his column from May 8th, 1985.

Dear Beach Head, I want to join G.I. Joe but I have flat feet. How else could I help?

Beach Head: FLAT FEET! Is that the bullshit excuse your going to use when a Cobra Alley Viper breaks into your bedroom and goes for your wife. I hate you physical disability whiny bitches! Before I joined the Rangers I had flat feet, but guess what I didn't do. I didn't cry about it, instead I took a hammer and banged some arches into my feet. Then to make sure they worked I did a twenty mile run. If you don't stop making excuses and get serious, I am going to ambush you at your county fair and beat you senseless in front of your kids! Then I'm going to go enjoy Styx, because they are as serious about rocking as I am serious about protecting this country! YO JOE!

Dear Beach Head, I'm twelve and my one dream is to be in G.I. Joe. What can I do to start preparing to become part of the G.I. Joe team?

Beach Head: I love to hear from great AMERICANS like yourself son. First thing you are going to want to do is start getting in shape. Your twelve so you running like a 9 minute mile? Your going to have to get that down. By thirteen you better be hitting five minutes, maybe five fifteen if you have the flu. I remember when I was twelve I was able to do a solid fifteen miles a day but not everyone is as fit as I was, so I would probably let you get away with only doing twelve miles. Second, you are going to need to get that strength up for when you have to cave in a Eels head with your bare hands. As a kid, I recommend you try to do more reps with less weight. Don't feel bad if you can only bench two hundred pounds as long as you do a solid set of fifty reps three times you should be looking good. Third, love the hell out of the greatest country on this planet. You have to ask yourself if you have the dedication to your country to become a Joe. If there is even a split second where you think a Cobra uniform looks 'cool' or you feel like you are not ready to murder every single member of that terrorist group then don't even try to join G.I. Joe. If you do join and I see you slip in your dedication even once, the last thing you see will be my pistol and the last thing you hear will be the click as I pull the trigger. So good luck, and stay strong little buddy!

Dear Beach Head, What does the inside of that mask smell like?

Beach Head: I don't know if you can handle the answer to that question. Do you really want to know? Alright, I'll tell you. IT SMELLS LIKE GOD DAMN FREEDOM! It smells like sweat, blood, and terrorist tears! The musk on this mask is so strong that a weaker man would suffocate from the weight of responsibility it brings. Luckily, G.I. Joe has no hygiene requirements so they don't make me wash it. Unluckily, without that hygiene requirement we get people like Clutch in G.I. Joe. Everyone on the team knows he shits his pants on every mission. So when it comes to being a member of the Joe team you have to be ready to endure smells that no civilian could stand.

Dear Beach Head, my knives are torched. how do I hide them from my mom?

Beach Head: I'm not sure why your knives would be torched, I would imagine it is because you got into some sort of scuffle with an Incinerator. Getting in close and using bladed weapons was your first mistake when fighting someone with a flamethrower. Run ten miles and do a hundred push ups while you ponder why you were so stupid! Now back to the problem with your mom, why are you worried about her seeing your damaged equipment? Is she also your quartermaster or wait...Is she a filthy Cobra sympathizer? I know this is going to be hard to hear but you have to make the right choice and take her out. I had a problem like this last week. My neighbor put his rototiller away without cleaning it. The only kind of person who could do that is someone who is lazy or a member of Cobra. I erred on the side of caution and ordered an air strike on his house. The property value is going to go down for a while but in the long run the whole neighborhood will thank me.

That's all the time I have now, I need to get a twenty mile run in before morning PT. YO JOE!

Star Trek TNG: The Lost Chapters

2011-01-20T19:25:00.000-08:00

(The following is a lost excerpt from Star Trek Magazine. Written in 1993 by Rick "Bling Bling" Berman as part of an anti-drug campaign, it was scrapped from the final publication. Broca Blutch found a copy of the manuscript in Mr. Berman's trash can in 1994 and we planned to release it at that time. It was not until now, however, that photo technology caught up to the ambitious nature of Mr. Berman's story idea. We present, for the first time, an illustrated version of "Academy Lessons!")

ACADEMY LESSONS
by
Rick Berman

Commander William T. Riker strolled onto the bridge of the USS Enterprise. His shirt was all torn, but there was a smile on his face because he had just finished fucking his trombone.

"Number One," Captain Picard barked, "you look like a fucking slob!"

"I'm sorry, sir, I..." Riker stammered, caught off guard by the Captain, whose head was as shiny as the quantum torpedoes the Federation used to force the Maquis off their land.

"I love it! Why the fuck do you think I hired you?" Picard said, before busting into a gay showtune and riding a horse around.

"Thank you, sir," Riker said.

"Number One! I order you to take a number two!" Picard said with authority.

Riker snapped to attention and headed to the women's lavatory.

Lieutenant Worf then walked onto the bridge, mumbling something about an honor-gangbang he'd scheduled for his son Alexander. Picard was bored of that shit because if he couldn't get his dick wet, no one was allowed to.

"Mr. Worf!" Picard barked. "Ensign Crusher has been acting like a soggy bag of dicks lately, just wriggling around and causing a nuisance!"

"What do you mean, Captain?" Worf asked, intrigued by the thought of a bag of dicks.

"Well he pulled four double shifts in a row in engineering, which is fine because I have to pay that blind asshole LaForge twice as much as I have to pay Crusher because of Affirmative Space Action. But then..."

Two Hours Ago

Captain Picard walked in on Wesley Crusher firing two Type II phasers into the air while singing an old Earth folk song called 'American Badass.' Picard appreciated all terrible music so he let Wesley finish his song.

"This shit makes me feel like Kid Rock! I feel like my dick could punch through a can of RC Cola!" Wesley howled.

Picard frowned and ordered an alien to shine his head.

Now

"I need you to go through his things and see what the fuck is wrong with him," Picard told Worf.

Worf entered Wesley Crusher's quarters after breaking the lock off with two of his seven Klingon cocks. He instantly fucked up everything valuable with his bat'leth and then took a dump on Dr. Crusher's bed because his finely honed Klingon instincts told him that white women were into that.

He then walked into Ensign Crusher's bathroom and saw a stunning sight: the bathtub was full of Dilithium crystals!

"This can only mean one thing," the stoic Klingon intoned as he wiped his ass with the priceless nightgown Lt. Jack Crusher gave to his wife before he died.

"Fuck, Commander Riker, you look like a slob!" Wesley exclaimed. "Also, I'm pretty sure I'm busted. I saw Worf rooting around through my quarters and fucking one of my mom's pillows."

Riker instantly knew what was up. "Dilithium Crystal Meth is no joke, Wes," he stated. "I love that shit, but you can never get caught. Ever."

"What should I do, Commander?" asked Wesley.

"Remember your academy training," Riker said with a grin.

Soon enough, Picard and Worf had Wesley cornered on the bridge. The accusations were flying, Picard's head was reflecting every useless light on every useless control console. Wes could see four of Worf's hard dicks through his tight space-pants.

"An alien planted the drugs there! A Ferengi! Then he made me do them!" Wesley exclaimed.

Picard and Worf looked at each other knowingly.

"Sorry, Wesley. My mistake," said Picard.

"Sir, there is currently only one Ferengi aboard the Enterprise. His name is Durp and he lives on level seven," said Worf.

Soon enough, Picard called Durp to the bridge. Federation justice was administered. Wesley was never caught again... but you'd best believe that Q sees everything, and he wanted in on that shit.

NOTE: The next post down is NSFW.

Genitalia Joes

2011-01-20T17:30:00.000-08:00

Let's be honest -

This is what you think of while you caress your plastic army men.

CAREFUL: FOR REAL-ASS MARINES ONLY, SOLDIER

Tom Jacks Memorial Podcast 2: No Frills Edition

2011-01-07T07:28:00.000-08:00

On this episode Johnny Turk (of Smash the State) and I talk about Moon Knight, the Pursuit of Cobra mechs, Marvel Universe variants, the true identities of JoeCustoms posters, defending your trash from the homeless and drugs for old people. Special guest appearance by Phil Larry Potter of GI Joe n Magical Unicornz n Thangs (NSFW)!

DOWNLOAD HERE

Prelude to Tom Jacks Memorial Podcast Episode 2

2011-01-06T15:16:00.001-08:00

A STORY IN 6 PHOTOS

"Evil... in the name of the Moon, I Shall Punish you!"

"What up, Moon Knight. It's me, Khonshu, your terrible moon god."

"Holy fuck, man. You look way different. But that could be the painkillers, tequila and Nova Scotian air talking."

"I think I look pretty handsome. Now listen up, here's your next mission."

"Yes, Khonshu. I am your righteous fist! I will never turn my back on a friend, I am always there to defend. I am the one on who you can depend."

"First thing is cough up some of those painkillers. Second thing: my girlfri-- I mean, this total Wolfy Bitch named Mary Jane Watson has been spending way too much of my-- I mean her totally righteous and Lunar boyfriend Peter Parker's cash on girl shit. Make her pay."

"Yes, Khonshu... but this seems like a matter that is perhaps beneath the fist of your righteous servant."

"Yeah, well, I do-- I mean Peter Parker doesn't need any more domestic abuse charges on his record, and he totally loves the moon and shit. Looks at it every night. Now go, my servant!"

"Oh man these shoes are so cute, Peter will forgive me as soon as I--"

"I will right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means YOU!"

*POW!*

"Hope you saved that receipt, bitch! You're gonna need that money for some extra concealer!"

"Khonshu, I have served you well!"

"Remember, kids... take advantage of the mentally ill whenever the situation presents itself!"

(special thanks to Phil Lary Potter for the super realistic diorama used in these photos)

Tomorrow: A Wild Podcast Appears!

No Kill I

2011-01-05T20:31:00.000-08:00

"The Gorn broke a ceiling tile and dented a screen on a $90 mic, so the Sound Guy threw a Trelaine Squire of Gothos quality hissy fit throwing equipment off the stage. He busted a bass amp hitting Dave Ninja., threw a keyboard stand, and then as the Gorn (drunk and oblivious to the tantrum) walked out the door ran up and shoved him in the back. The Gorn never noticed. Kim said she'd pay us minus the $10 ceiling tile, but quit returning our phone calls."

Back in 2004, I was really into this band called No Kill I. They were a Star Trek-themed punk band from Sacramento. They were briefly in Trekkies 2 along with some other Star Trek bands. They were why that movie was cool. At some point, Archbishop Dave (the band's Gorn) and I talked on myspace, and I think he emailed me a "roommate wanted" ad once from Sacramento... I lived in Idaho then, too.

I still think their music is awesome, but I hadn't though much about them for a while before today. Then I remembered these amazing stories about driving drunk and going to cockfights before or after shows that Dave wrote and posted on the website.

NO KILL I WEBSITE

Check it out. Download their music, it rules. Also tell me if anyone can find the cockfight stories, I could not. And here is a video. This band is awesome and their very-1999 website rules too (this is coming from dudes who use blogspot to pretend to make fun of toys but really just play with toys)

UPDATE: Here is Dave's part of the site. This is an untapped goldmine, I need to read it all.

NFTP pt. 2

2011-01-02T18:48:00.001-08:00

honest, no-frills toy pictures

2011-01-02T18:01:00.000-08:00

Broca Blutch Holiday Special: Merry Bossksmas!

2010-12-22T21:28:00.001-08:00

"And so, Bossk, that's when I said '4-LOM... shit! I thought you were Zuckuss!"

"GRAAAAGHH!! This non-Bossk chatter has gone on long enough, Vintage Dengar! And Bossk is the only one who is allowed to make off-color robot jokes on the Bossk show!! Now silence, before Bossk sells you to Mom'sbasementian Slavers!"

"Now, because it is a special time, allow Bossk to tell you how Bossk saved Christmas and brought holiday cheer to many of the Bossks on Planet Bossk!"

"Planet Juniper IV in the Lumbros system is home to a planet of sentient tree-men. Their governor, Professor Pennington Pinesmas, has lowered carbon emissions and saved many endangered species throughout the galaxy. He is the bane of poachers galaxy-wide... so, naturally, Bossk had the idea to hunt him down, murder him and display his corpse in the Bossk household's living room, and decorate him with cheap lights and plastic ornaments!! The great hunt began!"

"As soon as I landed, I saw that dratted internet meme Admiral Ackbar and his deadbeat cousin Juan-Pablo! GRAAAGH! They were inviting Juniper IV into the Republic for "Good Deeds," which must be fishman language for "being giant homosexual tree men." And let Bossk tell you, the only thing worse than Ackbar is Juan-Pablo! He doesn't even speak English, he just fish-jabbers and waves his arms around!! Ackbar only keeps him around so that the fish people of the fish nebula or wherever the fuck he comes from still think he is not a sell out! Let Bossk tell you, Ackbar left the Hood behind a long time ago!! He has Republic money now, and has no use for fishfood stamps!!"

"Soon enough, Ackbar and Juan-Pablo left to go stare at a ceramic castle and eat pickled algae. Bossk was right there. Pinesmas looked terrified to see Bossk, and all of his people shook so hard with fright that they all began shedding their disgusting tree-needles! Even Bossk knows you have to put a tree in one of those weird pans full of water or it sheds everywhere!
Needless to say, Bossk was grossed out, but the thrill of the hunt overtook that unpleasant sensation!"

"Bossk killed a Jedi last Thursday while looking for Wookiee Life Day Celebrations to crash. There is nothing more pleasurable than taking a giant Yule Tide Dump on a Chewbacca's kitchen table! GRAAAGH! So Bossk found himself with a lightsaber, a most primitive and disgusting weapon... but Bossk also read on the internet that a lightsaber wound causes the treemen of Juniper IV excruciating pain!! Bossk ignited the disgusting mammal weapon and made the kill!"

"Bossk was victorious! Oh, how all of the Bossks on Bossk World would rejoice with the singing of joyous murder-carols!"

"GRAAAGH! It was then that Juan-Pablo found Bossk and started gibbering in some fish-Arab jive, so Bossk had no alternative but to light him on fire!!"

"Admiral Ackbar must have heard the fishpig squealing of his deadbeat cousin. He threatened Bossk with arrest! Bossk is never going back to prison. Not ever. So, Bossk showed his true Christmas Spirit and destroyed the evidence! 'Merry Fishmas, Gill-Queer!' Bossk yelled as the people of Juniper IV screamed in agony."

"Bossk took a few extra treemen home to make into Bossk Brand Bossk Gin to sell during rerun season! But when Bossk got back to Bossk City, Bossk realized that he had no one to celebrate Christmas with! Ex Mrs. Bossk and Bossk Jr. have been tainted by that fool Ted, and Bossk wants nothing to do with them!! Bossk longs for the old Christmases, filled with roasting
chestnuts and devouring my broodmates."

"That was... a... Merry Christmas, Bossk."

"GRAAAAGH!"

(Special thanks to Phil Larry Potter for the space ghost desk and for the crayons he stole from his children to give to me. Special thanks to my cat for knocking things over all the time. Special thanks to the Broca Blutch reader who requested a very Bossk Christmas! I hate Christmas but love Bossk.)

Broca Blutchmas: A Holiday No One Can Afford

2010-12-19T17:18:00.001-08:00

Well I hope you're all ready for Dec. 25, aka Christmas, aka the birthday of Dr. Paul.

Iron Man... well... tried...

More to come.

Track of the Week

2010-12-10T17:10:00.000-08:00

COBRA COMMANDER HAS GOTTEN SPIDER-MAN INTO ANOTHER STICKY SITUATION!

THE ONLY THING THAT CAN SAVE HIM IS CHAOS MAGIC

LISTEN TO THIS TRACK OF THE WEEK

WHILE JERKING OFF TO THIS NOT-REAL LADY

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ASSHOLES

G.I. Joe Personals

2010-12-09T14:08:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to make the characters from G.I. Joe appear more human, an insert was added to issue 56 of Action Toys Joe Monthly: Pacific Northwest Edition that printed several personal ads from the perspective of the characters. We have reprinted the insert now on the one year anniversary of Action Toys Joe Monthly going out of print. Broca Blutch's lawyers has assured us there should be no litigation from this reprinting.

YO JOE PERSONALS
By: Buddy 'Buddi' Labenski

skylawyer posted: looking for big tittied chick with a hot body, offering a monster six pack, giant wang, and a 8 figure bank account. im a lawyer so i am smart as hell but I’m not a nerd like dial tone so don’t worry i am muscled up. im a navaho so don’t be a racist or any of that shit or i will punch you in the lip and call it a secret op if the police come around. no fatties, no homo. ask for airborne or the biggest badass in gi joe.

hawiianspy posted: Let’s skip the games, if you want to fuck call me.

Gunlover92 posted: Looking for fellow gun lover to share a life of bullets with. I enjoy gun cleaning, gun repair, gun shooting, reading books about guns, reading magazines about guns, walking on beaches as long as there is also a nearby gun store, and generally anything related to firearms. I’m not very picky about looks or personality as long as you love guns. If interested please fax a copy of your concealed weapons license to GI JOE HEADQUARTERS ATTN: Heavy Duty. No felons.

j/obro posted: Seeking a j/o buddy. I’ve been j/o for 40 years and it’s about time I started sharing that experience with a buddy. I AM NOT GAY AND DON’T WANT ANY RESPONSES FROM GAYS. I’m just looking for another guy who enjoys j/o. I’m away on missions a lot so I would call you up when I’m in town. It would really be easier if you can come to my place so we might need to get you security clearance. There isn’t a lot of “materials” out here so I normally use Victoria’s Secret catalogs (Don’t ask who Lady Jaye is) and a few 80’s videos. If you want to bring some material along that would be great but NO GAY STUFF. We can just take our shirts off, pop a few brews, and j/o together. Only serious responses please! NO GAY STUFF!

The Worst Car in Boise

2010-12-06T16:00:00.001-08:00

If you are like everyone else, you assume that Boise, ID is a redneck town with 14 residents, 13 of whom are toothless and unemployed. You might assume that the worst car in Boise is a mostly broken-down white Dodge truck with ICP hatchet man stickers and a big decal that says REDNECK on its rear window. That truck also has a handicapped parking pass and always takes the good spots. That truck belongs to my upstairs neighbor, and I am here to tell you that it is far from the worst. The worst car belongs to a nerd-- and likely an armchair nerd at that.

You are thinking "oh hey, that is a cute and subtle way to tell people you like Transformers, putting that shit from the Decepticon cop car from Michael Bay Presents the Gobots Vs. Good Taste on your blue Honda, which also has a giant spoiler." You are wrong. Michael Bay and I have a lot in common, and I have a lot to thank him for. We both hate Transformers and have no reverence for the source material, and he has ferreted out every terrible nerd and pseudo-nerd that I can now safely avoid since Transformers merchandise can be easily purchased at every mall cell phone kiosk. I did not always hate Transformers, but Michael Bay showed me that a dumb cartoon used to sell toys could also be brought down to every other lowest common denominator and therefore I have devoted my life to much more sophisticated pursuits, such as my crossover webcomic about Leisure Suit Larry and the racist crows from the movie Dumbo.

Oh shit, it gets worse. The king of the nerds drives a really fast blue Honda and he loves Transformers, you can bet your life on that. He likes to impress the ladies with bold statements like this. He also learned his grammar from 4chan and subtitled episodes of Narutos. He is the alpha nerd, with his lip ring, backwards hat and I'm Firin' Mah Laser t-shirt, so his smarter friends are afraid to push him off of his throne of gordita wrappers and pizza boxes (no offense to pizza, that shit is off the chain) by telling him that it should be "YOU'RE behind me."

Fear the leader of the nerd tribes with the Marvel Infinity War shirt he bought from Hot Topic and his collection of Nightwish albums. This is his chariot, and your right where you belong, ready to get enslaved and punished.

Special Sneak Preview

2010-12-06T15:14:00.001-08:00

THIS WEEK on America's favorite situation comedy:
"Amerika's Schlechtester Albtraum"

Will G.I. Joe's second-worst arctic squadron (Frostbite, Whiteout and Gung-Ho) be able
to stomach their new special mission commander-- OZONE??

How will Whiteout react to being called "Rush Limbaugh meets Snow Job with none of the looks or the brains and all of the fat and pill addictions?"

How will Gung-Ho react when Ozone tells him that "Knives are the green alternative to bullets, and grenades are unsustainable?"

How will Cobra's Wassilla Oil Refinery react to ecotage, and how will its major stock-holder, Sarah Palin, punish Ozone for being a "naughty boy?"

There's blood in the snow and 90% ethanol in the Polar Battle Bear's gas tank
on America's Wurst Nachtmare!

Song of the Week

2010-12-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

It's back. Your worst fucking nightmare.
If you want pictures of toys try this place.
Fuckin' space marines and shit.

You just got blutched, son.

Report #12234-BC-334

2010-12-02T10:14:00.000-08:00

Report #12234-BC-334

Filed by: Skidmark
For: General Hawk

11/24/2010
Skidmark, reporting from Somalia. The jump in was less then pleasant due to the antics of Airborne. I guess because he has jumped so many times he is use to it but some of us other Joes are not sky diving professionals. Part way through the fall Airborne navigated next to me and pulled down my pants mid-freefall. I was unable to pull the pants up until we had safely landed. When I confronted Airborne about the "prank" he told me I was acting like a "fag" and it was all in "good fun". I found nothing about the event to be fun. It was unprofessional and dangerous. I will be filing a full complaint at the conclusion of our operations in Somalia. Skidmark, out.

11/25/2010
Skidmark, reporting in. Another day in the field with Airborne proved to be disastrous. I awoke this morning when Airborne shrieked, “Heavy chemical rounds incoming!" I attempted to rush to my feet but was unable to as Airborne's bare ass was resting on my face. He then released flatulence into my face, much to the amusement of the rest of the squad. It was more then embarrassing and undermined my ability to be an effective 2nd in command on this operation. I demand an immediate response to these complaints. I will attempt to continue the operation and have a successful mission. Skidmark, out.

11/26/2010
Skidmark, reporting in. This is the third day of operations and we have not made a single advance on the Cobra base. I confronted Sgt. Airborne about the matter and he simply stared at me without a word. This went on for five minutes before I walked off without the matter getting resolved. I've heard him say that the Navaho people call this behavior the "far-seeing look". I talked to Spirit about the matter and he informed me that it was made up and Airborne was high on peyote. Spirit then went into an hour rant about Airborne's people being the rich Indians. I thought it was odd that Spirit used such a non-PC term but didn't want to get involved in tribal politics. Airborne is now openly using drugs while on a combat mission. I request that he be relieved of duty and I be allowed to take over command of this operation. I await your decision. Skidmark, out.

11/27/2010
skidmark, here. hey hawk im a giant asshole. forget everything i said about airborne he is actually a really cool dude. i think he should get a promotion and i should be demoted to janitor of the pitt because im such a little bitch. i might complain about how airborne cut a hole in my driving suits ass. it was really funny so if i act pissed off later just ignore it because im being a whiney fag. oh shit, that fucker is back from looking for cobra genetically created snipes. airborne out. shit where is delete on this shitty keyboard

On the Next Thrilling Episode

2010-12-01T16:19:00.000-08:00

Heuristic he of Piccolo possesses urethra contagion! Yamcha to be reduced, Piccolo' You must enter; As for the urethra of s which is defeated the virus of the dead space Piccolo' It colors; Red of the urine color of s. But, waiting… With the wolfy female dog, in Yamcha it keeps accompanying her in the factory of the cheese cake, the wine of the $ 301 book buying Bulma wants! The slip Bulma of Yamcha to be reduced roofie, Piccolo' It can make in order to make a contract with the wicked garlic Jr. of the time when it makes; The urine lawful neon green color of s?! Continue to the episode of the next thrill perfect score of sphere Z of the dragon and observe!

From the Desk of Prof. Xavier

2010-11-30T16:08:00.000-08:00

"Hello, my name is Professor Charles Xavier, the world's foremost expert on mutants. I have a confession to make-- I AM a mutant. Don't get excited, I am just like you... except for the fact that I have incredible fucking mind powers, a hot alien girlfriend who I only have to deal with twice a year, a hovering wheelchair that travels faster than the sleekest Mountain Dew and Cheetos sponsored Nascar and an army of mutant teenagers capable of incredible amounts of destruction."

"Now that we can relate to one another, I can get down to the heart of the matter. I lead a double life. Not just as Charles "you don't have a doctorate in anything, you're just rich and condescending, get out of our senate hearing" Xavier the man and Professor X, the amazing mutant telepath... no. I have been using my amazing mind powers to fool all of you for years. You see, I cannot walk... so therefore, I cannot lead my teenage mutant terror militia into battle. The most I can hope for is to cackle uncontrollably while I watch Storm waterboard our prisoners with a gale force hurricane. I do get so bored, and only one thing interests me... PORNOGRAPHY."

"Yes, that is my real confession. Larry Flynt and I are one and the same. It is much more satisfying to use my incredible mind powers to lead a life as the owner of a world famous pornography empire and a one-of-a-kind pneumatic penis*. My WMD Teenager Squad can basically take care of themselves. Producing more and more perverse pornography takes a REAL genius. So needless to say, whenever I am "trapped in the Savage Land," I am really in my other office, personally inspecting Over 9000 pictures of female genitalia per month."

"You may ask 'how do you do it, Professor?' The answer is simple. My "secret control panels" keep my informed of the goings-on at Hustler, and I am usually looking at them whenever Cyclops talks about something boring, such as Mutant Rights. Trust me, America, if you had brain powers so amazing that they made your hair fall out and made an alien queen's beartrap soaking wet from a galaxy away, you'd use them for the same thing. I bid you farewell. And remember... don't fuck with me. If you step to the Professor, you're going to get the X."

Bonus Cat Picture!

* - See Allan MacDonell's Prisoner of X, available at first, second and third-rate bookstores everywhere!

Hello, it's me Again

2010-11-30T01:48:00.000-08:00

"FUCK YOU, MORPH!"

Hey, we are back this week. I had to go lose my faith in humanity while visiting Atlantic City and NYC. LTZ also got on a plane, but it was actually because he accomplished something. zombiehobo does not write unless I crack the whip, and I plan to crack it. So the Blutch is back until next time we're not back!

All Quiet on the Balls Front

2010-11-25T09:47:00.000-08:00

Been a while!

But we've been busy with real-ass life, so fuck you.

In the meantime, we here at Broca Blutch are thankful for Cooperhaed touching Zartan's balls.

Tom Jacks Memorial Podcast: Episode 1

2010-11-13T11:38:00.000-08:00

Holy Crap!

Johnny Turk of Smash the State and I recorded the first episode of the Tom Jacks Memorial Podcast, which I have linked to below! Da Talent also composed a fun listening quiz, which can be found here!

TOM JACKS MEMORIAL PODCAST EPISODE 1

Iron Libs: Iron Man Helps A Friend

2010-11-12T07:33:00.000-08:00

At the height of IRONMANIA, any IRONMANIAC would buy stupid junk with the name Iron Man on it. IRON LIBS was one such product. Today, we reprint one of the more popular IRON LIBS from page 23 of IRON LIBS : World's Greatest Word Game.

"Oh, god!", Tony Stark muttered to himself as he picked himself up off the {NOUN} of his office. "My {NOUN} is {ING_VERB} so hard.", He said to no one in general. "How many {NOUN} did I {VERB} last night?" Tony thought to himself as he searched his desk for some {PLURAL_NOUN}. A {VERB} at his door startled Tony. "Yes?! Who is it?" Tony yelled out as he searched for his {ADJECTIVE} {NOUN}. It was the only thing that made him conformable. "It's me Tony! Your {ADJECTIVE} friend Rhodes!" Came from behind the door. "{EXCLAMATION}!" Tony exclaimed as he opened the door. "Rhodes you old {ING_VERB} {NOUN}! What can I do for you?" Tony said in a relieved voice. "You can come down to my suite and get that {ING_VERB} {NOUN} Crimson Dynamo to go home!" Rhodes angry answered. "Oh {EXCLAMATION} no! I'm not doing that. Find someone who gives a {NOUN}. Crimson Dynamo was all up in my {NOUN} last night." Tony bemoaned as he shut his door. " {VERB} YOU TONY! {VERB} YOU TO {PROPER_NOUN}!" Rhodes yelled at the top of his lungs. Tony Starks is a {ADJECTIVE} friend.

Veteran's Day Special

2010-11-11T17:15:00.000-08:00

Today, Tim of Tim's Corner dot com is known for his hard-hitting Christian dio-stories that reveal universal truths about G.I. Joes and other humans. Before he got his start in that glamorous world, however, he was creating dio-stories of the Marvel heroes the world is so in love with today. The following was originally printed in 1992 in the pages of the action figure fanzine known as Plasticus Andronicus.

In the true Broca Blutch fashion, it has been reprinted without permission.

"An Honest Mistake"
By Tim

Iron Man: Hahaha, I sure tricked the US Government when I replaced the guidance systems in those SCUD missiles with Desert Strike for the SEGA Genesis! Those Warmongers won't know what hit them!

USAgent: I am a true patriot and a Christian, and therefore I love all SCUD missiles! No one replaces Uncle Sam's weapons with SEGA games and gets away with it... he's a Nintendo fan, like all real Americans!

Iron Man: Haha, you are no match for me, government lackey!

USAgent: Laugh while you can, peacenik! You're gonna be deader than Saddam Hussein when Lord HW Bush gets done with him when I get done with you!

Iron Man: Haha, you missed! The unregulated and illegal suit of armor I possess has rendered you totally ineffective! Viva la Revolutione! Down with false tyrants! Long live Iron Man!

USAgent: You might have dodged me once, but the Government is even smarter than you, Rhodes! I have the utimate weapon... the Spring-Loaded Shield Launcher!

Iron Man: Ugh.. my head...

USAgent: Woo-hoo, go Americ-- wait, there's a white guy in that armor? Dear lord, I've made a terrible mistake.

USAgent: I, Agent John Walker, do solemnly swear that I will never harm another white man again. May god forgive me.

I go to church every god damn Sunday!

2010-11-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

"This is my bike now.
This is totally my bike!"

The Camera Does not Lie

2010-11-09T23:52:00.000-08:00

Hello, dear Broca Blutch readers. Today I was at the library looking at old newspapers on the microfilm scanner thing. I was searching for pictures of old lady cleavage, and any articles pertaining to Asians so that I might laugh at someone named Dong or Wang, but what I found instead is far more terrifying than all women and Asians combined.

I stole the microfilm, and our resident Microfilm and Laserdisc Technician (Zombiehobo's Australian Shepard) retrofitted the article to show up on this ancient internet technology we use.

Liquor Store Robbery: Demon and Boyfriend Steal $25, pint of Black Velvet

The LAPD is baffled by the robbery of a local liquor emporium, which was reportedly perpetrated by a terrifying demon and another unknown man. No one was harmed, though the store's night manager, Juan Rodriguez reportedly regrets every LA Fire Department Charity Calendar he has ever masturbated to. Rodriguez claims that he did not previously regret these actions, or any others.

Shaniqua Collins, a relatively new employee to the liquor store, gives her account of what happened:

"There was this big demon guy, his head was a flaming skull. And there was this real mean man with him, who had some kind of shotgun he must have stolen from that Seaquest show. He looked like that 70s motorcycle stunt guy, Johnny Blaze, but like real bad. Like he thought growing a ponytail and wearing a trenchcoat was okay in public. Must have been an impersonator."

"So he keeps yelling stuff like "You wanna be a real Ghost Rider, right? Well, you god damn little pussy fart, you best knock over this liquor joint before I stick this Hellfire shotgun so far up your cornhole that your dead sister's gonna come back from the grave to take a photo, frame it and give it to Jesus fuckin' Christ hisself as a birthday gift," and the demon guy just looked real scared and downtrodden, but like he wanted to impress his boyfriend too. So he stares into Juan's eyes, and Juan just crumples on the floor looking all shellshocked, like when my boyfriend got back from the Gulf War."

"Well, I emptied out the cash drawer and the mean guy took twenty five bucks, tucked a bottle of BV in his coat and said "Come on, you little fagwagon, let's get back on the road before my wife figures out where I am. This Jackson and Lincoln Marvel Team-Up ain't goin' to no child support! Yeeehaw!" and kicked over a display of Malibu rum."

The police were not called until sometime later, and only after reviewing the security camera footage was Collins let out of the mental institution. Reportedly, Rodriguez put $25 from his own pocket into the till and paid for the Black Velvet.

Ladies and Gentlemen... Johnny Blaze!

2010-11-09T15:56:00.000-08:00

"FUCK YOU, DANNY!"

This is the Weekly Song

2010-11-05T14:46:00.001-07:00

LOOK IT'S A GOD DAMN PICTURE OF TOYS

enjoy this song

Live Coverage: Bossk Concession Speech

2010-11-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

This is KTHN, We take you live to Bossk's Campaign Headquarters where it is expected he will be giving his concession speech.

BOSSK thanks everyone for coming out tonight. It was a hard fought race and looking at the return polls it appears that my opponent Ponda "Sawkee" Baba has taken the lead in the votes and will probably win the election. That is why with a heavy heart BOSSK must wish Ponda good luck and declare...THAT BOSSK IS GETTING A RECOUNT CALLED ON THIS BULLSHIT! In what universe would Bossk lose to a filthy asshorn like Ponda! With only one arm Ponda has no chance against BOSSK. If Ponda were a bounty, BOSSK would crush his head and drink the walrus juices that came out.

Ponda is weak on all the issues! BOSSK is the only candidate who is fully supports HJR 32, the plan to sterilize all Wookiees. Ponda would give all Wookiees amnesty and let them have your job and be a personal matchmaker between a Wookiee and your daughter. NOT ON BOSSK's WATCH! BOSSK will keep jobs for hard working Bossks, and not export a single job off of Bossk World. That is as good a guarantee, as the guarantee that BOSSK could snap your neck with his bare claws.

BOSSK is also the candidate with the backing of the IBA (Intergalactic Blaster Association), unlike that liberal hippie Ponda. He has gone on record multiple times that he believes the Bossk constitution should be modified to remove the right to bear blasters. BOSSK knows the only reason he is supporting the anti-blaster lobby is because he was too big of a pussy to use his blaster when he ran into a Jedi. If a Jedi had pulled a lightsaber on BOSSK and tried to take BOSSK's arm off, BOSSK would have blasted that fucker right in the face. Even if the Jedi had somehow caught BOSSK unaware and cut BOSSK's arm off, BOSSK would have just regrown it! Can Ponda do that? Obviously not!

Bossk traditions are top of the list of importance to BOSSK. Ponda will cut funding to Bossk education if elected. He has mentioned his displeasure with our system of arena and pit fighting based education. He talks about ideas like books and standardized testing. The only test that a Bossk child needs is surviving the attacks of their brood mates. If a Bossk child has not eaten three or four of his brothers and sisters by the time they are one, then they fail the test. These are the only kinds of standardized testing Bossk schools need. Not this lovey dovey bullshit that Ponda will try to implement! FUCK BOOKS!

BOSSK swears to Bossk God that if the recount comes back and BOSSK is not the County Treasurer of Bossk County, BOSSK will be going crazy on EVERYONE! Ponda watch yourself, because if I can’t have this position then no one will! Also, BOSSK wants to thank the great staff BOSSK has had for this campaign, and the dedication of BOSSK’s supporters has made this all worth it. FUCK PONDA THAT ORANGE VEST WEARING ASSHOLE!!

broca blutch election coverage

2010-11-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

"My name is Straxus J. Darkmount and I approve this message."

"Hello Decepticons I know we have had a few tough years and it is election time now and if we don't hold an election then the planet transforms into some fucker called Primus and it just basically fucks up my hot tub and my cherry robo-tomatoes so I am going along with it. Basically I want you to re-elect me as Overlord of the mighty Decepticons and the king of Darkmount Castle, which is a no robrainer since Darkmount is in my name, that shit is named after me because I built it from the corpses of not only my enemies, but also from some of you guys too."

"I know what you butthorns need and it is fascism. I have read some of your tech specs and every god damn one of them says 'Smells like a swamp and hates working on a team' or 'hates working on a team and is a cannibal' or 'is dumber than every other Decepticon and doesn't own a laser gun.' Like fifty of your tech specs said that last shit. So you need Robolf Hitler, aka me, to keep you in line."

"Here are my running mates. This guy is like Piranacon's bong or crotch or something. I don't know. If Cybertron ever gets some water he'll be pretty useful. So he is my secretary of acid vats."

"Here is my other running mate. He is my secretary of robot immigration because he doesn't speak any language I even remotely understand. Look, they were all I could find, it's a recession."

"As for my opponents-- Ratbat, that motherfucker forcefully tied up Nightbird and made her worship his god, Botcon Exclusive Cybershark. Why are there so many questions about Ratbat? And Megatron, what's the deal with that guy? Is he a tank, is he a crocodile, is he a gun or is he some gray lump of Michael Bay CGI? I mean really, COME ON."

"So in short, if you elect Straxus J. Darkmount for lord of Darkmount, I promise to do whatever the fuck I want to and continue the robot holocaust. Oh yeah, and fuck those Autobot guys, right?? I totally care about that."

Iron Facts #6: Halloween Late Edition

2010-11-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

Why was Iron Facts #6 late this week? Because we were busy keeping a certain SCANDAL out of the PAPERS. We can't say what because of LAWS and LEGALITY, but we can give you HINTS through a DIO-STORY, which is a form of PHOTOJOURNALISM.

$ONG OF THE $WEEK

2010-10-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

Kobra Komment Korner: Snow Serpent

2010-10-28T20:41:00.000-07:00

Time for another edition of Kobra Komment Korner, I'm going to be talking about the scourge of the artic today, the deadly SNOW SERPENT! These guys are so tough they can rip a polar bear's balls off with their hands and so suave they can trick a penguin into a three way.

Snow Serpents look fairly badass despite having one of the least badass outfits of all the Cobra forces. A normal Cobra outfit is normally bright colors with spikes and pauldrons, classic hardass stuff like that. Instead the Snow Serpent is busting out some grey coveralls with fur lining and snow shoes. They look like homeless guys who found a women’s fur coat.

Their file cards talk about how on top of their cold weather, parachute, and skiing training they spend hours upon hours on kayak training. Any other trooper would look like a giant pussy if they said they had Kayak training. If you dare to even snicker at a Snow Serpent while he is in his Kayak he will paddle over and have his oar two feet up your ass before you even know what happened. They are so fucking hard that they make a kayak into a floating murder machine.

Much like the Paratrooper I talked about last article the Snow Serpent is picked from the ranks of the Eels. With so many people being selected from the Eels there can only be like five people who are still in that division. The last few people left in the Eels are all the fuck ups that couldn’t move on to other divisions. Eels can at least still say they are better than Medi-vipers. What the fuck is up with evil doctors? The only evil medical practitioner I care about is Dr. Mindbender and the Medi-vipers are no Dr. Mindbender.

The last great point about Snow Serpents is the fact that they carry the most badass gun that man ever invented, a motherfucking AK. Most Vipers have some sort of advanced super gun or a giant flamethrower that is powered by infant tears; instead Cobra Commander dug up some 70’s guns from the desert and handed them over to the Snow Serpent quartermaster.

Iron Man Fakts #5: Puzzle Time!

2010-10-24T22:05:00.001-07:00

Click the pic for full size image! Feel free to print this and test your co-workers' Iron Man Knowledge! I bet you are smarter than they are! And please... feel free to post your answers in the comments, where LTZ will studiously compare them with our answer key!

Song of the Weak

2010-10-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN READING THIS!!
SCROLL DOWN FOR AMERICA'S FIRST NIGHTMAN!!

PS THIS SONG WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT SOUNDTRACK

AMERICAS WORST NITEMATE PART 100

2010-10-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

Iron Man Choose Your Own: The DWI Incident

2010-10-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite types of books is the Choose Your Own Adventure. I stumbled upon one of my favorites when looking in my attic for a raccoon. It follows all time great guy Tony Stark on an early morning adventure. What happens to Tony is up to you dear reader!

PAGE 1

It had been a long night for Iron Man. Thirty shots of Jäger were sloshing in his belly and all he wanted to do was fly home to pour himself into a suit so he could make it to the yearly Stark Enterprises Off-shore Accounts meeting. He was almost back to Stark Tower when he saw the red and blue lights in his rear view ass camera. “I should be okay, I’m white and rich.” Iron Man said to himself as he pulled to the side of the road.

“Iron Man, do you know how fast you were flying?” the officer asked.

“Shit, man. This is Silver Centurion so, I don’t know. 2..3..I’ll say 200.” Iron Man said in his best not drunk voice.

“8 miles per hour, and why were you flying 2 feet off the ground? Have you been drinking?” The officer asked.

“I’m Tony Stark of course I’ve been drinking. Don’t you know who the fuck I am?” Tony answered irate.

“Then I’m going to give you a DWI ticket, Mr. Stark.” The officer noted as he reached for his hand cuffs.

"You can get a DWI in a high-tech super suit? Oh man."

OH NO KIDS! Tony is in real trouble! What should he do?

If you think Tony should bribe the cop, turn to page 21.

If you think Tony should punch the cop, turn to page 31.

If you think Tony should run for it, turn to page 33.

PAGE 21

Tony reached into his Iron fanny pack and pulled out his Stark Enterprises corporate checkbook,”Perhaps we can deal with the fine now officer. Who can I make this $50,000 dollar check out to? Please note that I put in the memo line that this is for police bribe and sleeping with cop’s wife. I felt like $50,000 for just a bribe is a bit high so I threw in the second perk.”

“You know that attempting to bribe an officer of the law is an even bigger offense, and my wife is dead.” The cop restorted.

“Well shit.” Iron Man retorted.

Iron Man has gotten himself into an even bigger pickle!

If you think Iron Man should keep going with the bribe, turn to page 68.

If you think Iron Man should back off the bribe idea, turn to page 101.

PAGE 28

Iron Man wakes up several hours later at the hospital. For a man who drinks so much you would think his helmet would be better designed to handle vomit. Tony almost choked to death on his own stomach mess. He also missed the important meeting and is still going to get that DWI! What a shitty day to be an Iron Man.

YOU LOSE!

PAGE 31

This cop looks like a total pussy and there are like ten Iron Men running around now days, if Tony knocks his ass out and takes off no one will ever be the wiser. Tony turned an unassuming yawn stretch into a quick right hook. The police officer must have been trained by the Mandarin himself with the way he easily sidestepped Tony’s punch. To make matters worse that Jäger came back up on Tony! BLARRRRGGGGGGH! The Silver Centurion helmet immediately filled with a black vomit.

Things are not looking good for our old friend Tony! Turn to page 28 to see what happens!

PAGE 33

Iron Man isn’t going to get his 12^th DWI and have to do more court ordered rehab! With a deft step Iron Man took off, leaving the cop in his Iron dust. Sadly, he disabled his collision detection system when it kept going off any time he railed a chick while wearing his suit, and he didn’t detect the trash can that he tripped over. The pain in Tony’s left leg told him he just broke it and that cop still gave him a DWI. What a lousy morning!

YOU LOSE!

PAGE 68

“Well, if your wife is dead then I guess you don’t have to share the bribe money!”

“I guess your right!” The cop said as he cracked a smile and slapped Iron Man on the back.

“Glad we could work this out, Officer. Let’s get some Oriental hookers, my treat!”

Remember kids, even if your rich you have to have the balls to push it to the limit!

Epilogue: Tony Stark missed his meeting but had sex with an Asian woman and didn’t get a DWI until two nights later.

YOU WIN!

PAGE 88

Tony walks into the room to find it filled with only the cleanest supermodels. Being the pimp and player that Tony is, he gets down with each and every one of them. It only took 10 hours, but when you are as rich as Tony Stark you make your own schedule.

PAGE 101

“Oh my officer! That is horrible to hear. I’m sorry I made such an awful remark. I’ll just put away this checkbook so you don’t feel more insulted then I have already made you feel.”

“Woah, woah! I still want the money, and are you saying my wife wasn’t good enough for you! Son of a bitch! Put your hands on the back of your head! I’m taking you in!”

Iron Man was then promptly arrested and had to spend the rest of his day in jail. The moral from this story is ‘don’t be a pussy’.

YOU LOSE!

PAGE 103

Popular Psy-Ops

2010-10-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

3/2/99 - Dr. Kenneth D. Rich reporting - Sremska Mitrovica, Serbia:

General Hawk,

Thank you for the care package. The men all appreciate the new gear. While I have not yet figured out how to use the large weapon you sent me, I have convinced the men that it is a video camera and that we will be filming Girls Gone Wild after we eliminate Slobodan Milošević. I have not seen any women in Yugoslavia so far, but from what I have read, then men here have wombs. Thankfully, the men have not noticed.

Our mission commander, Flint, has been AWOL for quite some time. He took our newly commissioned "Eco Striker" "into town to pick up some bullets and military intelligence and a victory for Uncle Sam" and we have not seen him since. I did, however, see a vehicle that looked suspicously like an "Eco Striker" in the Serbian made-for-TV-movie Speed Buggy 2: Bride of Speed Buggy, and the male lead resembled a bearded Flint in an Aaron Carter t-shirt and "Jnco" jeans. I am sure it's just a coincidence.

Thank you for the new helmet. Though the men keep calling me "Gay Robocop" and "Homocutus of Borg," I enjoy the way it cups my face and eliminates all vision in my right eye. It has forced me to become stronger. By the way, sir, I hear with our new technological advancements that you were able to throw away that gaudy jetpack and headband and trade them in for a new, state-of-the-art giant golden backpack that makes 4 combat sounds. Congratulations. Though, beware-- Cobra cannot be far behind in developing the same technology.

Psychologically speaking, I worry about Ozone. There is an alarming amount of dried blood on his combat armor, which he refuses to wash off. Though he is certainly our most effective soldier, and the only one with any confirmed kills, I fear some of the targets he seeks might be a little... misguided. He has already firebombed sixteen ranches, napalmed a paper mill and delivered an envelope full of anthrax to the manager of the KLA's newly opened Dunkin Donuts. He has also set up a security checkpoint, where he inspects every vehicle that passes through. If the vehicle in question gets less than 35 miles a gallon, he executes the driver and donates the vehicle to local artists for "concept pieces." Unfortunately, no vehicle in this third world country gets more than 12 miles to the gallon. While I appreciate his initiative, he has killed an alarming amount of the men who've tried to re-supply our outpost.

Countdown and Sci-Fi seem to be getting along rather well. They have already convinced the local children that they are "Laser Space Gods" and have burned down several Red Cross stations in "demonstrating their divine laser powers" to the "smelly Eurosavages." This is an effective form of psychological warfare, but it occurs to me that we are not fighting against the local children. If we were, though, they'd be doing a great job. They love the new uniforms that you sent to them, but their effectiveness in stealth operations has diminished slightly. I believe that playing Judas Preist's 'Turbo Lover' on repeat during all night recon might be part of the problem.

All in all, sir, I think we're doing a great job. Ozone hopes to "rack up more collateral damage than the upcoming NATO bombing raids," but I think I can persuade him to back off with this dragon incense burner as a nice incentive.

My equipment is working great. Not only can I read people's thoughts with the transmitters the CIA puts in dental fillings, but I am also perfectly receiving data from the transmitters we've implanted into the "blowholes" of "whales" and "dolphins." Can you believe that some people still think they're mammals? Even Ozone knows they're fish. Some people will believe anything the Discovery Channel tells them.

I have to sign off now, General. Someone in a nearby village just had the words "American" and "ignorant" in the same thought, so I need to go make them disappear.

Best Wishes,

-Psyche Out

IRON MAN FACTS #4: Untamed Iron Youth

2010-10-18T13:51:00.001-07:00

21. The only way to tell if your child has been inappropriately touched by Iron Man is a strange aroma comparable to that of dried blood, most commonly f--

NO FUCK THAT!

THIS WEEK IS WRECKER FACTS!

ABOUT ME! THE WRECKER! I'M TAKING OVER THIS DIPSHIT BROCA WHATEVER BECAUSE FUCK YOUR TOYS! THE ONLY TOY I NEED IS MY MAGIC CROWBAR, AND THAT'S A FACT, JACK! A WRECKER FACT!

SO HERE'S SOME MORE WRECKER FACTS!

1. FUCK PILEDRIVER

2. WHY THE FUCK DOES CREEL ALWAYS TRY TO HANG OUT WITH US I'M LIKE CREEL YOU ASSKNUCKLE WE ALREADY HAVE A GUY WITH A BALL AND CHAIN AND HE'S LIKE "YEAH BUT MY SHIT IS ENCHANTED FROM ASGARD" AND I'M LIKE "WELL SHIT I MEAN I WISH ALL FOUR OF US HAD MYSTICAL ASGARDIAN ELF POWER OH WAIT WE DO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" HIS WIFE IS HOT THOUGH I WONDER IF THAT BITCH STILL HAS CANCER

3. THOR LOVES COCK

4. THE WRECKER FUCKING RULES, AND THE WRECKER IS ME, YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE I'M GOING TO WRECK YOUR SHIT BECAUSE YOU BITCH IT IS RIGHT THERE IN MY FUCKING NAME I MEAN CHECK THIS SHIT OUT

5. I STOLE THAT SHIT OFF GOOGLE BECAUSE I'M A BADASS WRECKING MACHINE

6. YOU WANT A FUCKING DONG RAY?! THIS IS A DONG RAY

7. NOW HOW ABOUT I SHOW YOU MY DONG HA HA HA YOU QUEER YOU TOTALLY WOULD HAVE LOOKED OH FUCK SPEAKING OF LOVING COCK THERE'S THOR TIME TO BASH HIS

Track of the Week #2: Track of the Week II

2010-10-15T11:07:00.001-07:00

It's time to hit you with two things before we go off to our Bonnie Raitt Fan Convention over the weekend here at the Blutch.

First is a preview of what's to come next week, in AMERICAS WORST NITEMATE:

Second, here's your track of the week, from Massachusetts with love -- listen to it while drinking straight whiskey and wondering why Tony Stark gets a dong ray and you just got those 20 extra pounds that crept up on you.

Real World Bossk Problems

2010-10-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

Most people think Bossk has the easy life but they are wrong. Bossk has to deal with the same problems that normal people do.

1. Bossk always has problems at the dry cleaners. The laundry bot always ruins Bossk's favorite sports jersey. The Bossk City Bossks! It was in mint condition and that laundry bot won't take any of the blame.

2. Bossk can't get a speeder loan due to constant identity thefts. His credit score is 15 and he currently has over 100 active credit cards. Somehow, the thieves were able to guess his username(Bossk), his password(Bossk), and his mother's maiden name(Bossk).

3. Bossk has to pay alimony and child support payments to Ex-Mrs. Bossk in person and she always brings their son (Bossk Jr.) and her new boyfriend, Ted. Tedi s a fucking Wookiee. Bossk hates Ted so much.

4. Bossk has a new "girlfriend" that is way hotter then Ex-Mrs. Bossk. The only problem is that she is only in the mood once a month. Bossk is a man and a man has needs.

Most people think Bossk doesn't have to deal with these kinds of problems due to him being a bloodthirsty bounty hunter that can kill a Sarlaac in a second. Now you know that even Bossk has problems and I hope you will have a little sympathy. Especially you Ted. Bossk doesn't want to be your friend and go on a fucking fishing trip that will be good for Bossk Jr. GET OFF BOSSK'S BACK YOU WOOKIEE HIPPIE PIECE OF SHIT!

Ask Ozone

2010-10-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Ozone,

I am very afraid for the earth and it's frajile environment. what can I do to help?

Love,

Timmy, Age 8

PS: I am a big fan of gi joes, especially ripcord! he was very good in those Scary Movie movies I'm not supposed to watch, but Lisa, my babysitter lets me if I don't tell mom about those "blow jobs" she gives to daddy to "make an extra hamilton." Is a Hamilton part of the environment?

Well Timmy, the first thing you need to do is learn to spell. Ripcord can spell after he's had four Colt 45's and a Nakatami Plaza, and I don't even think he got his doctorate from MIT. You know who did? Me.

The second thing you can do is ask mommy and daddy for an M-16 (or whatever they call the civilian model) and head into the Oregon woods to start Monkeywrenching every god damn piece of heavy machinery, Lexus or Ranger Station you find. That's actually fucking brilliant. No one's going to shoot a kid. Ecotage the fuck out of those envirotraitors. Bring me the heads of four CEOs and you can join the GI Joe team. We'll call you Ozone Jr. and you can drink with Ripcord, because I am sick of hearing about how he loves "white women" and I'm sure he won't notice the difference if you take my place.

Yours in Nature,

Ozone

Dear David Kunitz (more like Davey Kuntz lol),

My parents are worthless liberals and they always listen to your public radio show 'Eco Talk' and it bores the shit out of me so I am going to join Cobra and be a Toxo Viper but not a Sludge Viper because they don't get health insurance. I am going to fuck you up. What is with that beard? So gaaaaay. I bet other dudes like it when you kiss their buttholes with it though.

Love,

Billy, Age 12

Dear Billy,

Fuck you. That's Dr. Kunitz to you and all of your cell phone texting video game playing catshit huffing friends. My Earth First! friends are outside your house right now. The next time your mom starts her minivan she's going to get totally Judi Bari'd if you know what I mean. And you don't because 4chan and Wikileaks don't talk about that shit. I want to thank your mom for listening to my talk program, but I'd rather not have her listening if she raised a little shithandle like you. More oxygen for me. One less carbon footprint.

Do you know who I work for, you little shit? I work for the fucking government. After I've killed everyone you love and I've made sure all of their money goes to Greenpeace, you're going to die in an unmanned drone attack. And this beard is PERFECTLY TRIMMED and Gi Joe has A LONG HISTORY OF BEARDS and I do not subscribe to any BEAR AND CUB MAGAZINES. Long story short, I'm going to make you suffer before you die.

Yours in Nature,

Ozone

PS: I've enclosed a photo of our recent ad campaign. Thanks for writing in!

Adventures of IG-88: THE IG-88 ADVENTURES (MARVEL TEAM-UP WITH NIMROD)

2010-10-11T23:29:00.001-07:00

Iron Man Fakts #3: The Iron Man jokebook for kids!

2010-10-11T12:39:00.001-07:00

13. What's the difference between a hockey mom and an Iron Man? You can neuter an Iron Man!

14. What's the richest kind of air? Billionaire. Shit yes! Tony Stark, baby.

15. What has Seven Letters and starts with bourbon? Iron Man.

16. When Albert Einstein died, he met three people in the line outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 190.
"Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity". The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of Gingrich's Contract with America legislation in moving us into the twenty-first century". The third person mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "What was it like being Director of SHIELD, Mister Stark?"

17. For three years, the young iron Man took his vacations at a country inn. He had an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the child would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and we finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than an Iron Man."

18. What's red and yellow and peels itself? An Iron Man trying to get a suntan.

19. The animal rights group PETA wants organizers of Pennsylvania's Groundhog Day festival to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic stand-in. For Easter, PETA also wants to replace Peter Cottontail with Iron Man.

20. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dong.
Dong who?
DONG RAY!

(special thanks to my phone for the extra high quality photos this week!)

Song of The Week

2010-10-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

Here is our weekly Song of the Week which will help you with your weekend loneliness.

CIA Files: The Badger

2010-10-07T13:49:00.000-07:00

(Loyal Broca Blutch reader Raphael "Maximum Lead, Zero Tolerance" Skeletonson is an informed guy. He knows all about the Freedom of Information Act, which is how he stole a manila folder, stapled it to a dead chicken and a ziplock bag of melty gummi worms and put it on my doorstep. I've preserved his notes and comments. Broca Blutch... the next Wikileaks??)

CIA File #5XZnX5 Codename: REDACTED

i've done my research and i know this is the badger. why he picked that name, don't ask me, wolverines are far more deadly and they can speak spanish. even if he can't order from the taco truck on 5th street (shout out to my friend pablo, thanks for the free Jaritos last week) he is our only protector from the New World Order.

this is a picture of the wolverine doing what he does best, which is climbing on robots, i found out. this robot was designed by Ashcroft to take out David Icke after he exposed that Lindsay Lohan tried to infiltrate the prison system in order to drink the blood of, and therefore gain the powers of the world's most female criminals. she intended to change back into her true reptillian form just as they strapped her into the electric chair, absorb its electric energy and then use the power of Tesla and all female drug addicts to "shiv the poor" for the NWO. i, for one, am glad the badger is on our side.

the Pagan religion stills rears its ugly head in the form of Catholicism, which has brainwashed hundreds, if not twos of hundreds of followers that it intends to use to fill up its new Babylon. this robot is the defender of Babylon, and he patrols the depths of the Great Salt Lake, guarding the ancient sunken city of Babylon. the badger was having none of that, so he lured this robeast to the surface with a flier for a Knights of Columbus potluck and then he chopped of its head. it was filled with business cards of prominent members of The Church of the Devil. the badger then promptly destroyed Babylon with the same secret government weapon the USA used to cause the Haiti Earthquake of 2010. Praise Orin Hatch, the badger strikes again.

this is the badger and some robot bug. it's hard to find any information on this bug, but I am fairly certain it was created by Henry "Dr. Pym" Pym to spy on his wife. here the badger doesn't look particularly interested in the bug, probably because he has seen "Dr." Pym's wife, and he is frankly not interested. i have included a photo i took of Pym's wife inside of her garage after vising the Haagen Das in the Westpark Stripmall. she doesn't need the ice cream, trust me.

thank you, the badger!

(uh, thanks, Mr. Skeletonson, you are a real ass American.)

IG-88 ADVENTURES: The Adventures of IG-88

2010-10-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

Kobra Komment Korner - Para-Viper

2010-10-06T17:24:00.000-07:00

If you read any of my former articles(all one) you know that I love Vipers and I want to talk about all of them. Except for Tele-vipers and Medi-vipers who don't even deserve to be called vipers. Today, I am going to talk about one of my favorite Vipers. Other then the Range-Viper this guy might be the hardest dude in the Cobra organization.

I don’t think it is gay to say I want to fuck a Para-Viper. They are top of the list of total badasses in the Viper brotherhood. Even GI Joe knows these guys mean business they even talk about it on their file card,”Para-Vipers are the deadliest, most highly trained commandos in the COBRA legions.” However, most members of GI Joe have brain damage so they list every Viper as the most dangerous or baddest dudes since Serpentor. Except for Tele-vipers, everyone knows they are a bunch of pussies. Back to Para-Vipers because every time I think about a Tele-viper I puke in my mouth.

So you got these guys who are Cobra Eels which makes them already pretty damn hard. They are like the Seals of the Viper program and everyone knows the Seals are the toughest guys in the US military. Except for maybe Green Berets, I was once eating at a diner and there was this super drunk Green Beret who got in the waitress’ face and was yelling about how he didn’t fall on a bunch of pungi sticks so he could pay six dollars for a cheeseburger. Then he called her a gook and stormed out, I’m pretty sure she was Italian (mustache) but I’m also pretty sure that guy could kick a lot of ass.

So you have got these highly trained ass kickers who you send drop into enemy areas and just let them rip shit up. I tried to figure out what made these guys so amazing and I realized it the second they lose their sweet as hell goggles and kick ass paratrooping helmet. THEY ALL LOOK LIKE BEACHHEAD UNDER THOSE MASKS! It is like having a division of Beachheads in your army and everyone knows that Beachhead is the toughest guy in GI JOE*!

*Except for Stalker

AMYRYCAZ WYRST NYTEMATE CHAPTER XCVIII

2010-10-05T13:13:00.001-07:00

Iron Man Facts Issue No. 2: Sex Ed Edition

2010-10-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

8. Alien hookers should know better than to think Iron Man is going to pay them for sex, when they should be paying him for the privilege.

9. Iron Man's armor used to have an inscription in the bicep, so small it could barely be seen: "ASS, GAS, OR GRASS: NO ONE RIDES FOR FREE." The only person to ever notice it was Thor, and he paid dearly for this.

10. This is not the face of someone you want anywhere near any vagina remotely related to you, and that is a fact.

11. Iron Man originally quit the West Coast Avengers over a money dispute; he discovered that Hawkeye was inflating his own earnings and those of the team's manager, Jerry Heller.

12. Double dong ray.

REAL-ASS IRON DRAMA

2010-09-30T20:19:00.000-07:00

And They Are Just Lizards

2010-09-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Bossk Talk starring Bossk
A Bossk and Bossk Production

"GRAAAAGH WELCOME TO BOSSK TALK, I AM YOUR HOST-- BOSSK! MY GUEST TODAY IS PURPLE DENGAR!"

"Hello Bossk, it's nice to be here."

"YESSS, THAT IS EXCELLENT, MENTION BOSSK'S NAME!"

"Well Bossk if it's okay with you, I'd like to promote my new project. You see I've owled myself up a notch, and now I'll be starring in Star Trek: Special Victims Unit, and I have to say that--"

"GRRRAAAAGGGHHH!! NO, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT PURPLE DENGAR!! YOU ONLY TALK ABOUT BOSSK! GRAAAGGGGHHH!"

"Sorry Bossk, I..."

"YESSSS, BOSSK'S NAME! TELL ME PURPLE DENGAR, DO YOU WEAR PURPLE BECAUSE OF YOUR SEXU-- GRAAAGGGGH, DO NOT TRICK BOSSK INTO TALKING ABOUT YOU!! ONLY TALK ABOUT BOSSK OR OTHER BOSSKS!!"

"Uh, so how are your parents, Bossk..."

"EXCELLENT QUESTION, HUMAN. EVEN THOUGH YOU SMELL LIKE DIARRHEA AND TRUCKER PILLS, YOUR AIM IS TRUE. BOSSK'S PARENTS ARE DEAD, BOSSK LAID HIS EGGS IN THEIR SEVERED HEADS!! GRAAAAGH!"

"Uh..."

"SILENCE, HUMAN, OR BOSSK WILL IMPREGNATE YOU JUST LIKE HE DID HIS CAMERA DROID!!"

"ASSSK ME HOW MANY WOOKIESSS I HAVE KILLED."

"Uh..."

"ALL OF THEM!! BOSSK HAS KILLED ALL OF THEM!! TRY TO KILL ONE, BUT YOU CANNOT BECAUSE BOSSK KILLED THEM ALREADY!!"

"So... you can lay eggs and impregnate things? Does that make you a transmaphrodite?"

"GRAAAGH, NO OF COURSE NOT, BOSSK IS NOT..."

"... BOSSK IS NOT..."

We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties.

Dear Broca Blutch

2010-09-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

While LTZ and I were driving back from our weekly Funky Winkerbean Fan Club meeting, my cell lit up with a nasty text from an avid Broca Blutch reader and GI Joe enthusiast, my Uncle Steve. The text said "where the fuck is my discover card you little fudgepacker" but all I could read was "Dear Broca Blutch, What is up with all of those scars Storm Shadow has recently? What's the deal with that? I mean COME ON."

Good question, Uncle Steve! Broca Blutch is here to help.

Storm Shadow has been wearing high-wasted mom jeans and the remnants of a white t-shirt shirt that got torn up at a Night Ranger concert for the last 6 months. This is to hide his scars, since he is embarrassed about them.

Let me tell you, though, these are not scars. They are burns. That's right, he's a burn victim, just like his Eskimo Brother: Snake-Eyes!

You might doubt me, but let's look at the evidence.

1) Cobra Commander smokes blunts all the time. For those of you who are not aware of what I mean when I say "Blunt" in my hip street lingo, here is the definition according to the classy gentleman's magazine known as Urban Dictionary:

is a hollowed out cigar replacing the tabacco with ganja (or commomly known as weed) & re-rolling to the orginal blunt like state (the trend started in the early to mid 80's in the inner cities & ghettos of U.S)

Getting ready for an all night studio session, Me'sha & Baybe spent the latter part of the day rolling Blunts & drinking Moet laced with PassionFruit Alize.

Of course he smokes blunts all day. How else do you think he puts up with Major Bludd being Australian?

2) Storm Shadow has been failing Cobra Commander a lot lately. One such example:

storm shadow failed cobra commander because for like a month cc just assumed storm shadow was zartan disguised as storm shadow
and so he kept sending storm shadow on assignments to impersonate people
which invariably went terribly
"god dammit, zartan, fix your fucking eyes!" "i-- what?!"

3) Cobra Commander has been taking fencing lessons from Croc Master.

4) Those scars are burns! Cobra Commander has been applying his fencing lessons to putting out his blunts on Storm Shadow's chest when he fails, which is especially helpful since Billy hasn't been around a lot lately.

Well, Uncle Steve, I hope that answers your question! Remember, keep reading Broca Blutch and don't fail Cobra Commander! Also, thank you for the delicious, high-class dinner from Red Lobster! I was worried they wouldn't take Discover.

Iron Man Facts Issue No. 1

2010-09-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

Fact #1: Iron Man uses satellite technology to watch illegal feeds of MMA and Major League Baseball.

Fact #2: Iron Man is convinced that MMA is just a reality show about gay porn auditions. And Iron Man needs to know his competition.

Fact #3: Iron Man used to fly through car washes without paying.

Fact #4: Iron Man doesn't know the difference between Duke and Hawk.

Fact #5: Until he learned that black people were not just his own big, drunken hallucination, he thought James Rhodes dyed himself that color.

Fact #6: Iron Man will not disclose why he thought Rhodey dying himself black was "tactically sound for a number of reasons."

Fact #7: Iron Man has since replaced his armor's woodworm dispenser with a variety of other weapons, most notably the Dong Ray.

As Real A$$ as plastic can get

2010-09-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

To: "D. Verburg"
From: Hasbro

Subject: Want to make $15?

Dear mr. "verburg," we have seen your photography skills and frankly they are not even worth the $15 and Spy Troops Beach Head we have taken the liberty of mailing you. You will, however, find that $15 goes a long way toward your "Cat Fancy" and "Leg Show" subscriptions. Oh yes, we we know everything about you... and we know you sometimes buy "toys" from the Neo-Nazi organization known as "Mattel."

Simply put, if you want to earn this money, you will create a realistic jungle environment in your loathsome apartment and photograph JUNGLE VIPER's realistic camouflage. Every other GI Joe fan (we call them Money Trees) has done it, and we feel it is only with complete blog saturation that JUNGLE VIPER will surpass sales of our other hottest property, R2-POTATO.

Yours in Christ,

-Hasbro

Holy Hannah guys, look at how Real A$ this Jungle Viper is.He blends right in, you can't even see him!! His backpack is this amazing thing that looks like shit you might find outdoors (never been there) and it totally stays on and makes playing with or "photographing" the toy even easier! It is like I died and went to heaven and not at all like I wasted $6.99 on a night viper with Gundam wings and zombie eyes.

Okay, I know this picture just looks like a hyper-anime detail jungle environment (fake plants my cat has tried to eat multiple times) but there's a fucking JUNGLE VIPER in there somewhere. Use your Where's Waldo skills combined with your "hiding the collection of Fathom comic books you bought in the 90s from your wife" skills and you just might see him! Thank you, Hasbro! I definitely have a bad case of JUNGLE FEVER!

Not even this noble hawk (sold separately) can see him! What chance does GI Joe have? We can all sleep soundly knowing Hasbro is selling us (many multiples) of the most Real A$$ invisible terrorist in plastic history!

Blind Ninja Foundation

2010-09-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

"What happened out there today, Matt?"

"Foggy, let me tell you, being blind sucks. Do you know what happened to me on that day I got hit by the chemical truck? Do you? All of my dreams went up in smoke.'

"What do you mean, Matt? You're a rich lawyer during the day, and during the night
you brutalize the rights of the destitute and mentally ill. Who could
dream of anything more?"

"I didn't want to be a little prancing fairy like my dad, Foggy. I wanted to be a world
class NASCAR driver. And let me tell you, this country is so fundamentally
screwed up that blind people are denied the right to drive. Being blind
totally sucks, Foggy. And therefore, tonight sucked."

"As you know, I was investigating the Blind Ninja Foundation,
which is a shelter for blind ninjas. I don't like the idea of there being
more than one blind ninja in Hell's Kitchen, so I fought my way in there.
Those guys were okay, but let's face it, they were blind...
so they didn't give me too much trouble."

"Matt, you're blind, maybe you should go easy on the hate-speech..."

'You know who I hate, Foggy? My dad. What kind of guy goes into a
ring with another sweaty dude while he's bare chested and
rocking a half-chub? Foggy, I wanted thousands of fans to cheer me
on while I brushed the taco bell wrappers off of my lap and exited my
Nascar, met with thundering applause for driving a sedan in a circle.
But I can't even picture that glorious scenario because I'm blind
so I forgot what things look like."

"Uh, so anyway, the blind ninjas, Matt."

"Their leader... his name was Storm Shadow, aka Thomas Ashikrage. I hit
him in the face with a billy club. I don't think he was even blind. I think
he was using the whole scheme for a tax write-off."

"So I got him down on the ground, and he takes off his mask and just starts laughing.
And then the dude realized that I just didn't fucking get it, so he's all like
'Do You Realize Who You're Dealing with, Daredevil?' in this creepy reverb voice.
And no, I didn't realize because I can't see him because I'm blind. What a dick."

"So you don't know who it was? It wasn't Storm Shadow?"

"No, Foggy, get this... the second he took the mask off, he didn't even
smell Asian anymore. It was the weirdest thing. So I was trying
to hear his social security number or taste his last known
address or something and he got away."

"Oh man."

"I know. And then Nick Fury shows up and takes me to his helicarrier.
You know, that big, fascist aircraft carrier that he uses to spy on the world. He's all
like 'Murdock you dumb, Irish-Catholic Motherfucker, who the fuck
cheated MY government with those motherfuckin' ninja taxbreaks for the mother-
fuckin' blind?!' And I had to tell him I didn't know."

"Wow."

"Yeah, so I left the helicarrier. And Fury says 'I am sick of these motherfuckin' blind
people on my motherfuckin' helicarrier!' And then one of his S.H.I.E.L.D. goons
makes a crack about Fury being half blind, so then there's all this gunfire."

"Well, I'm sorry the impostor got away, Matt, but look on the bright side... at
least you get some tax breaks!"

"Tax breaks? Fuck you, Nelson. I'm a lawyer. I'm rich as fuck. I don't
get shit for being blind. And if that Obama guy stops giving people
in my income bracket tax breaks, I am going to flip out and lead the Hand
or something. I don't know, but it will be a shitshow, Foggy."

"Well... at least you're not a boxer, Matt."

"Of course not, Foggy, I'm Catholic. I hate gays."

In Memoriam

2010-09-11T05:14:00.000-07:00

Stolen From Tony Stark's Armor Wars Files

2010-09-10T06:11:00.000-07:00

Okay listen here at Smash the Blutch or whatever our dumb name is we happen to be pretty amazing hackers. We can hack anything and will hack anything, fuck the Pentagon (Yo Joe). One thing we hacked was Stark Enterprises' files, which for some reason contained an awful lot of shit about Iron Man, which we're pretty sure is just wishful-thinking fan fiction by Tony Stark about how he wishes he was Iron Man because everyone (including you, but not me) knows Iron Man is black, like Ripcord.

Anyway because we believe that information should be free (we believe the same thing about Mark David Chapman), here is the most interesting (and honestly really disturbing) stuff we found, which references some kind of "Armor Wars" or some shit, I don't know, what am I, a Baby Geniuses 2?

*

GUARDSMAN

This guy is either some Irishman or some Irishman's brother, I think. Or at least he was. Then the Vault started using the armor without paying me a single fucking royalty. What a bunch of pricks. I'm Tony Fucking Stark, you don't pull that shit with me. I was going to have to attack the Vault, but it looks like all the Guardsmans (Guardsmen?) there got fired anyway, because it's a recession. Now they just go around making asses of themselves. Probably best not to attack them because I don't really want to be associated with them. And god knows what I was thinking when I invented a Dong Ray like in that picture. I think I blacked out that night.

*

SUBMARAUDER

Figures that aliens would try to get in on my shit too. I mean, not that I'm prejudiced. If some space bitch wants a mustache ride then fuck you, all aboard the Stark Express, which is a bullet train to me penetrating your cervix. I banged this Avenger chick from the Shi'ar Empire, what's her name, Deathcry? Feathered pubes. I shit you not. Like, literal feathers. Thank god my ball-fro and my luxurious pubic mane were at maximum density (manscaping is what causes AIDS, Hank Pym told me so before growing so big he had no choice but to break his wife's jaw), or that shit would have tickled me until I threw up on her. I ended up throwing up on her anyway because you try fucking a space broad when you've downed that many Jaeger and champagne cocktails (I call it a "Nakatomi Plaza"). Fuck you. Anyway, Submarauder or whatever? "Pretender" is right. I wish someone had heard me say that. I'll have to remember it for the actual fight. "Hey, Submarauder! 'Pretender' is right! Fuuuck... yooouuu!" then I repulsor him right in the ro-balls. Shit yes. Tony Stark, baby.

*

THE GUNDAM MK. II

Fucking space bastards. Listen. I go into space ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Okay? I do. Me. Tony. Stark. I am like Ice-T and space is Coco, and I am all up in that ass. So just because this space robot is a hundred feet tall and farts Minovsky Particles (which I'm pretty sure are just bootleg Pym Particles, Hank Pym told me so before he grew so small he had no choice but to punch his wife in the clitoris) doesn't mean that I will not go up into space and make it my bitch for stealing my tech. I am the dude who fucked Ultimo up. You know what Ultimo's gimmick is? NO ONE CAN FUCK HIM UP. And I did. What the fuck is a "Gundam," anyway. Fucking Japanese. Next thing you know that thing'll have a space katana and fifteen tentacle cocks. And I'll shoot each and every one of them with my Dong Ray.

*

COBRA COMMANDER

How did... where the fuck did that shrieky asshole even GET my shit from? And why did he even bother? It's like, okay, what are the real-ass things an Iron Man armor can do with Stark tech? Repulsor rays, boot jets, dong rays, uni-beams... he didn't bother taking any of it! That's like bootlegging a computer's OS and then not bothering to include any feature but "booting up." That fucking guy. I can hear him now, in his whiny little Wasp-after-Hank-hits-her voice. "MY POWER IS IMMEASURABLE, I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING GAY BONDAGE AQUARIUM AND CAN LIFT AT LEAST ONE OF MY DUMB FROGMEN OVER MY HEAD!" And then he's going to go try and take over the world by, like, holding the idea of friendship for ransom or poisoning all of Chicago's basketballs or something. You know what, maybe I'll let that dumb fuck Hawk handle this one. I have some drinking to do, and that's gonna take up the next WEEK, minimum.

*

ROBOCOP

Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuuuck. Fuck! FUCK!

*

And there you have it. I am now being arrested by the FBI for posting this, so have a good weekend, y'all.

What Also Really Happened

2010-09-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

i got hornswaggled, dudes. and i bet you can guess the guy that did it to me. it wasn't my dad, d. verburg, but it was a guy who has probably accidentally fathered a son only to frame him by writing bad checks to taco bell. so he is a lot like my dad. it gained enough attention for Idaho's premiere newspaper, The Potato Squaredance Digest, to write a feature article about it. here is that article, used without permission

Lurp at Large: Felton is Felon

a police sketch artist's depiction of Sgt. Joseph Felton

On February 11th of 2009, Boise resident "D. Verburg" accused Army Ranger Sergeant Joseph Felton of "totally harshing" his "mellow" and "also trying to rape [him] in the [anus] while he was [severely intoxicated] on [a certain brand of fortified wine] that he got from [a popular online toy retailer]."

Sgt. Felton disappeared from the public eye for quite some time. It was known that Felton held a grudge against "Verburg"'s man-child internet newspaper called Borca Butch. When YoJoe.com moderator Joe "Beav" Felton was asked about Butch, he replied "who didn't hate that gaggle of [queers]?"

Police soon caught up with Sgt. Felton in the state of Joehio, where he was attemtping to pay for Timbits with an ill-gotten credit card.

Felton on the night of his arrest

"The [fucking] credit card had the name 'Duke F. Hawk' on it, and when we looked at the statement, it only had charges to ATMs, Texacos, diners and some terrorist front called Big Bad Toy Store. We're onto you, Al Kayda!" said arresting officer Paul Buttz.

In his escape attempt, Felton accused a man of Islam and chained him to the back of a 1986 Ford V.A.M.P., where police were convinced he was "gearing up for a good ol' American fag-drag."

As Felton was taken away to prison, his only comment was "No white collar jail can hold me!"

"Verburg" lives in Boise with his cat, a tub of plastic soldier dolls and his eternal shame. He had no further comment on the matter.

HIATUS EXPLAINED

2010-09-08T12:56:00.001-07:00

IS THIS JUSTICE

2009-02-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

WHAT THE HELL

so I'm walkin into walmart to buy toys intended for
children but purchased for me and there is this
wolfy walmart greeter bitch at the front and she is
like sixty years old or something, i don't know older than
adventure team bear molester or whatever
and what is she doing BUT TEXTING SOMEONE
on her pay and go cell phone.

how the fuck do you expect to make it in the high
stakes world of greeting me at walmart if you
don't even fucking greet me. now i am not
going to buy 3 resolute cobra commanders:
1 to open, 1 to keep MINT ON CARD and 1
to feed to my dog because DEATH OF THE LINE.

how does your future look bitch.
i stole these pictures because if
i took a picture of you with my cell phone
you'd text your old ass friends about it
and then you'd get in a big TXT CONVERSATION
about how kids today don't respect their elders
and they are just taking camera phone pictures when
a woman is trying to txt her friend Grettle about her hip
replacement and her grandkids jail time!!!

FUCK YOU
don't text
when you
should be
greeting me

thank you for your time,

Thomas Wheeler Jr

COBRA GOT LEGS

2009-02-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

S.E.A. Legs, that is!

SURPRISE
ENGAGE
ATTACK

And let's be fucking serious. There is nothing more surprising than a robot on goddamn awkward stilt legs popping up out of the swamp or whatever shooting high-tech lasers at America's fightin' forces!

WHY HAS NO TOY EVER BEEN MADE OF THIS
IT COULD BE SO EASY, SO EASY

Especially now that Hasbro owns Star Wars rights or whatever. Slap an Imperial shuttle chassis between some Rock'em Sock'em Robot thighs and wrap 'em up with a repainted Para-Viper or something.

I honestly hope these fucking things show up in the movie. G.I. Joe was never about realism, bitches. It was about absurdly expensive, unwieldy technology saving the day against even more unwieldy technology (where the hell would Cobra be able to park its opening-theme-song airship??).

AND WE LOVE IT FOR THAT

now if you'll excuse me I am going to cry myself to sleep in a pile of Liefeld-studio Image comic #1 issues.

The Olive Branch - Broca Blutch buries the hatchet with new feature

2009-02-05T13:45:00.001-08:00

In February of 2009, the venerable G.I. Joe supersite Hisstank
(http://www.hisstank.com) began looking for new forum moderators. As a
token of goodwill (end the blog hate in 08... too late??), Broca
Blutch has agreed to post applications from prospective forum
moderators. The application only has one question: "What makes YOU
right for the job?"

Here is an application from Hisstank member BombIraq(YoJoe2006),
submitted just today.

You know me as Bomb Iraq Gi Joe 2007 bitches, but my real name is Joe.
That's right just like GI Joe. Here's a little bit about me, i am rich
as hell and my girlfriend got big titties cause she is a porn star. Do
you remember those pics of that fly bitch holdin up skystrikers in
front of her hooties? Yeah man if that didn't make you shout 'Cobra
Retreat' i don't know what would lol.

The hisstank is full of a lot of bitches and little nerd twatwipes,
but let me tell you I am cool. I got a house that is worth more then
everything at JoeCon put together and it's full of like 40 USS Flaggs.
I don't even like the Flagg but I GOT 40 OF EM BITCHES. That's how
rich and popular i am.

I am not any faggot nerd, but i am the king of you faggot nerds. I got
fresh-ass hoes with hot big titties who will pose with my technodromes
cause i am so rich and my dick is bigger than the entire adventure
team (old school reference, dig it). all of you dumb bitch nerds
worship me cause i got a fly goatee and i can afford fine ass silk
dragon shirts imported from China. i am into GI Joe, but I'm not a
faggot like some of those nerds.

i have probably beat your ass at Halo 3 on Xbox 360 Live, nerd, so let
me tell you my next point: the hisstank needs someone to regulate. All
faggots gotta be banned. anyone who doesn't want to look at my woman's
titties can just get off the hiss tank. anyone who talks about Rod
Stewart, that cum drinking queer, can get off of The Tank!! we need to
keep it old school, I ain't going to ban a brother cause he thinks
Reagan should have been on the team instead of Sarge Slaughter, that
dude was a terrorist and that is real.

i am the best choice for moderator. i got BOMB IRAQ tattooed on my
knuckles cause i am serious, but i have a fuckin life unlike the rest
of these nerds.

thank you for your time,

bombiraq(yojoe2006)

moments of silence: our bread and butter

2009-02-03T01:13:00.000-08:00

this picture reminds me of old times, johnny.
do you remember when my computer died and you
took a picture of your favorite figure aka
sigma six six six adventure action force
tracker spyro iron knife? on a heathcliff
kitchen towel? i remember it perfectly, every detail

look, the crossbow is you and the snake is me.
that's sort of biblical i know, but i am a scholar,
what can i say? i have read a maths book.

i have always been the first to admit that
broken blatch ripped off smoosh the stain.
i saw sts on hiss tank one day and my world
was shattered-- i told tobin we had to start
a GI Joes blog or i would pull the trigger
of the snub nosed revolver i had pointed at
his head that very moment.

smash the state was the reason i wanted
to start this thing. we have some hiatuses,
we get burned out, we try to sell zebras
into some sort of weird sex slavery when we
need a little extra cash, but brotho blood
would be nothing without the smash the state figure review a thon.

i am sorry if we wronged you, mr. johnny. i hope you keep in touch.

i know i will continue to keep in touch with myself, so you should too.

A G.I. Joe Tragedy

2009-01-29T19:56:00.000-08:00

In 2008, Sgt. Barnes S. Bumble began making his groundbreaking
film 'Fighting for Freedom: A G.I. Joe Documentary'
In late 2008, Sgt. Bumble was murdered in his one bedroom
apartment in Utah. The killer was never found.

The film was never released. Until now.
It is the hope of Broca Blutch that we, in
cooperation with our readers,
will bring justice to this world for
the death of a revolutionary film maker
and a great mustache I mean man.

PART 4: SGT. ALBERT "ALPINE" M. PINE

Bumble: So, Alpine. What's it like being the only black man from Minidoka, Idaho.

Alpine: What's it like opening with a race question, Bumble!

Bumble: Uh sorry. Let me ask you this-- do you carry a standard issue laser rifle with a grappling hook attached to its sights or is that a real grappling hook gun?

Alpine: Look, man. I can climb the roughest mountains in the world while balancing my checkbook and cleaning the smudges from my prescription mountaineering goggles!

Bumble: So... it's real?

Alpine: You know what's real? Watching the first girl you ever put some fingers up in die at the hands of your first accounting professor. You know what's real? Albert M. Pine, codename: Alpine! You know what's real? The US of A! You know what's real? This broke-ass economy!

Bumble: So that grappling hook gun is as real as it gets?

Alpine: Man this thing is a weak ass grappling hook glued to the front of a laser rifle that stopped firing lasers six months ago. You know how much rope this thing has? A foot-- and it's attached to this dollar store pickaxe Duke gave me as a god damn White Elephant gift! This grappling hook doesn't fire, and even if it did that shit would just make me fall flat on my face because it's tied to the pickaxe on my $14 Eastpack backpack! You know they took away my machine gun too? That shit is REAL.

Bumble: Man, the economy. That shit is real.

Alpine: It ain't just nerds losing money anymore, my man. That is real.

Real A$$.

Bumble: Almost too Real A$$.

OPERATION: GET THE SUPPLIES

2009-01-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF G.I. JOE AND COBRA

IN

"OPERATION: GET THE SUPPLIES"

PART 14 of 22

WHILE THE BATTLE RAGED ON THE SUPPLIES CONTAINER SAT ALONE IN THE DARKNESS, ITS NOTHINGNESS WEIGHING UPON ITSELF LIKE SO MUCH HEAVY NOTHING. IT WOULD HAVE WEPT FOR ITSELF IF IT HAD TEARS OR A FACE OR SENTIENCE BUT IT DID NOT ... IT DID NOT.

JUST THEN A CRACK FORCE OF COBRA OPERATIVES, CONSISTING OF CODENAME: BARNOESS AND CODENAME: COBRA B.A.T. (STANDING FOR B.A.T. ANDROID TROOPER) PARACHUTED IN NEAR THE CONTAINER.

"COBRA COMMANDER I HAVE FOUND THE SUPPLIES JUST AS YOU HAVE ORDERED" WHISPERED BARONESS INTO HER WALKIE TALKIE. "AT LONG LAST WE WILL DEFEAT THE JOES!!"

"BEEP BOOP" SAID COBRA B.A.T. AS ITS SERVOS WHIZZED IN PREPARATION TO OPEN THE CONTAINER AND RETRIEVE ITS TREASURES DEEP WITHIN. "BLIP"

GUNSHOTS RANG OUT! PEW POW! IT'S WILD BILL AMERICAS SWEETHEART!

"YOU VARMINTS," HE SAID IN HIS TEXAN ACCENT. "YOU GIT 'ER GONE FROM THAT THERE CONTAINER. AINT NO SUPPLIES FOR YALL!"

IT WAS ALL BARONESS COULD DO NOT TO SCREAM, HER HEAVING BOSOM WET WITH THE SWEAT OF FRUSTRATION AND FEAR THAT SHE MIGHT DIE TO ONE OF THOSE DEADLY ACCURATE WHITE PISTOLS. BEHIND HER COBRA B.A.T. CONTINUED ITS OPERATION, UNFAZED BY HUMAN EMOTION.

"I SAID DONT YALL GO DO THAT!" WILD BILL SHOUTED, RUNNING FORWARD. DISTRACTED BY COBRA B.A.T. HE DID NOT NOTICE THE ONLY OTHER PERSON THERE LIFT HER MACHINE GUN AND FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

WILD BILLS HAT FLEW INTO THE AIR, SPECKLED WITH BULLET HOLES. "TARNATION! THAT WAS MUH FAV-O-RITE! I'LL GET YOU COBRA!!"

"SUPPLIES!" SHOUTED LONG DUCK DONG AS HE JUMPED OUT OF THE CONTAINER SWINGING LINKS OF FROZEN SAUSAGE. HIS ASIAN FOOT SWEPT THE LEG JOHNNY AND KNOCKED COBRA B.A.T. ONTO ITS BACK ... ITS ONE TRUE WEAKNESS.

MEANWHILE WILD BILL HAD BARONESS IN HIS SITES. "YOU PUT THAT THERE RIFLE DOWN CUTIE," HE SAID. "AND TAKE OFF THEM FUCK-ME BOOTS. I'M GONNA PUT EM TO GOOD USE MYSELF."

"YOU PLAN TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME?" BARNOESS ASKED.

"HECK NAW, I LOVE THE FEEL OF THE BOOTS ON MY THIGHS WHILE QUICK KICK THERE CRAMS HIS SINGLE BARREL PUMP ACTION YOGURT RIFLE INTO MY YAWNING FUDGE MINE. VIVA LA CONFEDERACY!"

TO BE CONTINUED

Metallic R.I.P.

2009-01-06T21:53:00.001-08:00

RIP Ron Asheton 1948-2009

happy howlidays, aaaa-ooooo

2008-12-27T14:31:00.000-08:00

It takes a special kind of man to not completely hate all animals--
and that special man is Mutt. Mutt is not a member of PETA because,
and I quote, "that god damn pervert Torpedo is in PETA and I have seen
the pictures he keeps under his soggy mattress-- no thanks!" In
spirit, though, Mutt is as kind to animals as a man who wears leather,
eats raw steak and feeds live birds to a rottweiler can be.

You might remember Mutt from his time in Indiana Jones, where he was
Dr. Hank Jones III's son and friendly archaeology rival: Mutt. He was
a greaser back then, and he still sort of is. But instead of playing
in seminal 60's french jangle pop band Guitar Wolf, now Mutt plays in
a much higher-billed band-- G.I. Joe!

As much as he is kind to animals (and it takes a saint to not hate all
animals, trust me on this one) he hates people. Mutt is like a
complete police brutality package all rolled into a convenient $7
plastic action man. He has a mustache for donut crums, a truncheon to
beat minorities, a silenced mac-10 to shoot minorities without makin'
a fuss late at night in a white neighborhood and a dog. This dog is
evil, like all animals are (Just ask Kevin-- he has 2 Dachshunds and
those motherfuckers are always biting through tires and knocking over
wastebaskets and having rabies -Ed) and it feels no remorse.

So imagine Mutt rolling up on your '93 Ford Explorer, which used to be
red but is now multi-colored and covered in Ross Perot and Ron Paul
stickers, and knocking on the window. His mustache is gleaming with
foam from a Tall Starbucks Skinny Chai Latte with Soy Milk and a
triple-pork-rind muffin. He asks you to step out of the car. His dog
bites your nuts and he hits you with a billy club. He tells his dog to
find the drugs in your car. The dog finds them easily-- what, there
were NO DRUGS in your car? Well, Mutt planted them there. That's what
his special ops training allows him to do. You burst into tears, and
Mutt feigns surprise and shoots you wth five bullets in a quick burst.
No one hears it because that Mac-10 is silenced.

Mutt pockets the drugs he planted in your car and calls his dad,
Indiana Jones, to see if he wants to go smoke them on the roof of the
Tesoro Station on 31st and State.

A message from D. Verburg's Dad (also D. Verburg)

2008-12-17T17:39:00.001-08:00

What is up internet queers. I wrote this on a bad ass harley davidson
memo pad I bought at Honk's Family $1 and forced my fourth wife Cindy
Sue to type it onto the gay internet. I am here to tell you about why
your G.I. Joe men are gay, but first let me tell you about something
else.

When naming your son (don't have a daughter they are worthless sluts)
name him with at least the same first initial as you. That way further
on in time if you happen to forge some gun papers and traces point to
D. Verburg you can just BLAME YOUR INTERNET QUEER SON WHO IS IN JAIL
AS WE SPEAK. Take it from me, D. Verburg... but not the queer washout
D. Verburg you're used to!

So anyways I was pretty fucking upset when I saw my no good son's
fucking internet page about plastic army toys. Let me tell you that is
a queer hobby that hardly qualifies as a hobby. When I was a kid, I
had the Real Ass G.I. Joe doll but I outgrew it when my daddy gave me
a gun. I used that gun to bust up seventeen liquor joints by the time
I was 13. Bustin' up liquor joints, now that is a hobby. Shootin at
the engine block of a rented Corsica is also a hobby. Plastic army
fags are not a hobby for men.

My boy might be able to grow a good mustache just like his old man,
but he owns more '21st Century Anniversary Tea Party Swivel Arm
Dukes' than he owns rifles and that shit makes me angrier than a
Grizzly Bear on No-Salmon week in the Tetons. How are you gonna bust
up a liquor joint using a little army man that can't even move his
arms 90 degrees!! How are you gonna hotwire a trans am with a Laser
Rifle Trooper? Shit is queer, queer, queer.

Sure I like some cartoons. Only one actually. It's called Lord of the
Rings and maybe you've fucking heard of it. It's about Real Ass shit,
not Pollocks drivin little tanks. It deals with real issues, like
Mordor. Gandalf the Grey was bustin up liquor joints with his buddy
Sauromon when those queer elves were collectin' plastic army toys made
for Jews and children.

I'd tell you internet queers to reconsider your lives, but it's too
fucking late. If you need me I'll be shooting Coors Light Cold
Activated Bottles with my .22 over at Bernie's trailer. If we're real
lucky, we might hit the neighbor's cat and they might invite us over
for tuna loaf!

What is Rock? (a photo essay)

2008-12-16T23:56:00.001-08:00

What is rock!?
Rock is the area between the balls
and the anus of a dog or of a man.

What is rock!?
Rock is the possibility of choking on your own vomit
in the back of a rapist's van.

What is rock!?
Denim-clad Satanists making love
in the sewers of Birmingham during Maggie Thatcher's prime.

What is rock!?
Rock is meeting the Grim Reaper
in a sports arena stampede at the tender age of nine.

What is rock!?
Backwards messages to boys and girls
to bring machine guns to their schools.

What is rock!?
No i'm not talking about Canadian producer
and "fifth Metallica" Bob Rock, you fool.

What is rock!?
Old AC/DC? Cleveland, Ohio?
Basically it's harder, heavier,
and slightly more blues-based than pop.

What is rock!?
Historians keep nagging about Funhouse,
but me, I think Kill City's where it's at.
After decades of indie and house.
Six cats from oslo killed the mouse.

What is rock!?
I don't care!!!
Where is the cash? Where is the cash?
The money, the money, the money money money!

2008-12-14T21:59:00.000-08:00

CPR for G.I. Joe: Praise for G.I. Joe Resolute (By Fans For Fans) is the only G.I. Joe (print-only) fanzine in America to sport an entirely African American staff, and the largest staff by far of any G.I. Joe fanzine worldwide (three as of the last edition). It seeks to take a much more realistic view of not only G.I. Joe, but of the G.I. Joe fandom and its inherent racism, particularly with regard to other fanzines' treatment of Roadblock (or, as they call him, 'Heavy Duty'). Published twice weekly, it has already amassed a prodigious body of work placing it at the forefront of G.I. Joe: Resolute-based fan publications, although they have caught 'heat' from the internet fan community for not only vocally supporting Marlon Wayans as Ripcord, but at one point referring to Scarlett as racist, citing the connotations of her name's origin, as well as the fact that she has never been depicted as being friendly with any African-American Joe.

CPRFGIJ:PFGIJR(BFFF) has allowed Broca Blutch to print this fan-fiction/Dio-Story entitled "Flint's Revenge" in hopes to build its fanbase among "white ass readers," using the widespread theory among G. I.
Joe scholars that "white people relate to Flint because he's white"

thanks to their staff for this ground breaking opportunity

Flint's Revenge
by
Brett S. Price

It had been a long day for Flint, G. I. Joe Resolute's resident warrant officer. He had, in seven short hours, killed an old "fake ass" Cobra Trooper, stolen his uniform, gotten the uniform re-tailored (Flint, like all gentlemen of good taste, would not be seen in an ill-fitting uniform) and had taken the time and effort to infiltrate a Cobra crack-cocaine processing plant.

Flint was intent on Revenge, no matter the cost. As he crept through the Cobra installation, he was barrels and barrels of pure crack, the evil nightmare substance that brought more deaths to innocent poor people than Cobra bullets ever could. He saw crying babies, resting on the hips of their mothers as they labored over Cobra hot crack-cocaine, barrels-- being ignored for the work at hand. Flint clenched his jaw and remembered a line from his favorite poet, Langston Hughes-- "and the scent of pine needles" and gathered his resolve.

Flint saw his target, sleeping like a lazy and rich white man, on the other side of three crack barrels-- the one guard he came to find, decked out in the new Para military Resolute duds that had struck terror into the hearts of all G.I. Joes. "Payback time," Flint said to himself-- because speaking aloud would compromise the mission.

With the grace of a gazelle and the street-smarts of Billy Dee Williams, Flint climbed silently atop the crack-cocaine barrels, and cursed the evils of Cobra. "After I take care of you, I'm taking this poison off the streets for good," Flint thought.

The guard stretched, got up and put his helmet on. "Looks like your four hours of break are over, and your one hour of work is starting," Flint thought sardonically.

Flint remembered an hour ago, seeing the plant Foreman Rico Jackson smoking a "fat jay" and ordering around a pregnant Asian lady named Sue. When she failed to felate him on his lunchbreak, he pistol whipped her until she resembled a pregnant Native American lady. Flint decided that Sue was the inspiration he needed to get the job done. His hand clutched a standard-issue Cobra knife.

The lazy drug-peddling pig-dog never even heard Flint. Flint smiled to himself as he gripped the Cobra by the shoulder. "You don't scare me, Cobra. No matter how Real Ass your gear is. I'm a hero. Do you remember me?"

The Cobra Resolute Trooper shuddered as he felt Flint's cold pig-iron blade against his neck. "You... it can't be!"

"That's right, you crack peddling lunatic!"

"No, I-- I just work here! It's not my fault!"

"It IS your fault, it's all your fault. I remember."

"No!"

"Yes. I remember that day. At Sea World. You were a humble employee, watching over the whale tanks. I hate whales. There's nothing more pretentious than a whale, is there?"

"Whales are-- gack!" the trooper stopped talking as the knife closed in on his throat.

"I punched that whale. Right in the blowhole. Twice. And you kicked me out. And banned me. FOR LIFE. What if I have kids that hate whales, too? I have to think of the future-- a wholesome future that you won't EVER comprehend!"

"I regret nothin--" the Trooper's throat was cut with the slightly-dull standard issue Cobra blade before he could finish his sentence.

"Eight hours work," Flint said out loud, "Not bad. An honest day's work... and a great wrong avenged in the name of G.I. Joe!"

email comments to CPRFGIJ:PFGIJR(BFFF)@CPRFGIJ:PFGIJR(BFFF)@gmail.com

The Adventures of D. Verburg and the Laziest Dio Story Ever Told

2008-12-13T22:57:00.000-08:00

FINALLY THE CURTAIN CAN BE REMOVED
from the conspiracy that originally unearthed
special GI Joe strikeforce codename White Force,
the crime-solving snow patrol!

BUT THAT WASN'T REALLY THE END . . .

OR WAS IT . . . ?

THE ANSWER IS YES!

A Scholarly Essay (go back to school if you want to understand)

2008-12-13T02:13:00.001-08:00

SUPER THANKS TO
JOHNNY TURK OF
SMASH THE STATE,
HE IS MORE SAINTLY THAN
20 ELVISES ON PROM NIGHT

Some of you have heard of the Slaughter's Marauders. They were dudes colored in awesome green, green, brown, green and blue (Johnson 356). They were like a Jackson Browne song chartered by a pro-wrestler and five of Uncle Sam's finest professional killers.

These guys have a bad reputation, and let me tell you that reputation is wrong. Do I need to mention that some of us are younger than 25 (puberty is a tough time for everyone) and the only fucking (A Knife For only a Dollar? 15) version of Mutt we had as a kid wore the uniform of a pro wrestler's disciple? Yeah, I am the god damn future and you are getting old. We'll talk about that later.

Let's talk about plastic quality for a minute. Plastic is made from thousands of pellets that come from a Polymer (Raingold 67) tree, a very common weed (not that kind of weed, cheech) that grows on the Katamari Islands west of the South Bronx. That shit is everywhere, and like all weeds it varies in price and qualities. Collectors will marry the first woman to ever look at their penis without laughing (fact about women: they are people just like you-- they tend not to laugh at genitals because it is rude) so naturally the first thing on their mind is plastic quality.

"WAHHHH MY SLAUGHTER'S MARAUDERS BARBECUE'S THUMB BROKE WHEN I TRIED TO JAM A NARNIA WEAPON INTO HIS HAND, HOW WILL HE EVER BE PRINCE CASPIAN??" they cry.

Well, he won't. Because he is a fucking firefighter from Boston. Unlike Prince Caspian, who worships the Biblical Jesus Christ, Barbecue worships the Beer Pong Table, and its ultimate messiah-- Barbecue. Don't try to put Narnia, Star Wars or Marauder weapons into his hands and they won't fucking break. Asshole collectors, whine about (Twenty Dollar Watson - A Career in Sodomy 34) something else.

Spirit is awesome. Did you notice the super accurate picture? It was taken from the documentary film "Slaughter's Marauders: The Influence of Professional Wrestling on the Real Ass Military of the 1980's (And Beyond)." Pretty good movie, but Spirit was underplayed. But you know, white people made that movie so go figure. ACTION FIGURE. See what I did there?
Collectors hate all kinds of plastic, even the kind they love most. Colors? Forget it. Collectors love green and brown when those colors are on Real A$ Nightforce Crosshare or Direkkkt to Kkkonsumer Barrel Role, but when they are on a badass like Footloose? Forget it. Blue? (Proulx 2) totally cool on Ship Wreck man, but put it in an appealing pallet with some greens and browns on Low-Light? You are SHIT OUT OF LUCK.

If Hasbro did a Slaughter's Marauders box set now, it wouldn't have Sgt. Slaughter because the Big Time World Wildlife Foundation has the rights to the Sarge's likeness. Vince MacMann-nn will not give that shit up lightly. But collectors would still complain about (Thomas Wheeler: American Toy Jesus, or Korean Goods Buddha? 23) the plastic, and say "it's the same fiasco all over again!!" even if it was made of gold, which is the highest quality form of plastic next (Stinson 75) to college ruled notebook paper.

In short-- Slaughter's Marauders is the best subset next to Eco Warriors. You're getting old, take a nap. Let the future take your place.

Watch this Video

cOLD SLITHer Winter QuarTer TOUR 2009!!!

2008-12-09T22:17:00.000-08:00

Hey all you HEP SNAKES and HOT CATS out THERE on the internet

FOR ONE DAY ONLY
you can see this SPECIAL preview of Cold Slitherrrrrr

prepping for its NEW NATIONAL TOUR

See into the FUTURE with ColD SLIther!

James TORCH Macwoodguff on Doble basso
Rufus "The Jam" Buzzinski on LEAD guitar!
Brutal Pete Ripper-Watson slappin' the skinz
and DIAMONDBAG DANA ZARTAN "xaxtan slithro" OLEANDER tearin it up with VOX!

opening acts lined up include
perry mason
infest
the average joe band
lita ford's herpes
the average joe band
pizzazz and the misfits

how white america casts the gi joe movie

2008-12-09T13:21:00.000-08:00

brought to you by the SLICE and DICE of the blogging world TOBIN and KEVIN

this is a celebration

a letter to the online joe community (happy holidays)

2008-12-09T06:49:00.000-08:00

a letter to dr. henry e. miller and tobin (it's the holi day)

2008-12-08T22:30:00.001-08:00

Dear Dr. Miller and Tobin,

We have grown apart lately. I value your friendships so

this is me trying to win you back. I will understand if

Johnny Turk, Kevin and a remote controlled Dalek remain

my only friends in this cruel world of G.I. Joe blogging about

kids toys, Thomas Wheeler and inside jokes and references

made by me that not even I understand. Please read below.

Tobin:

I'm sorry I err uhhh missed yah birthday you uhh err uhh queeah.

heah's bahbecue with his err uhh fiah hatchet, and his good friend

lady jaye, who i know you've been known to have a good old err uhh

fashioned uhhh CRUSH ON!! now don't be a retahd, tobin, accept me

and my errr uh broca err uh blutch back into yah life, or it's gonna be a

wicked pissa what happens to yah hondah civic...

(Barbecue is so patriotic it hurts, right Tobin. remember the times

we shared, talking about barbecue, or maybe you were just explaining

4-chan to me, and telling me that guy from WORA wasn't actually

adult film criminal Max Hardcore)

Dr Miller,

I know your favorite things are: 25th Anniversary GI Joes,

the Joe Customs Message Board, Dio Stories, Marauder Inc Weapons

and Tiger Force. So I hope this pleases you greatly. I know we

disagree on some rock bands and what it really means to be

the secretary general of NAMBLA's northeast chapter, but

I hope this will make it up to you!!

Tobin,

How can you say no to Snake Eyes and Stalker rendered

in a charming cartoon filter? Stalker is maybe the best G.I.

Joe and I think Snake Eyes appeared in at least 2 panels

in issue #23 of the Marvel comic, and spoke 3 lines in the Devil's

Due one. Plus errr uhh AWE Strikah??

Dr. Miller,

Just for you i am doing this paragraph in classic broca blutch style.

did you know that there's a red ninja from another country

(possibly ohio or joehio) called Satan?

some nerds really like him, or talked about him back in 2002. I took this picture

in 2002 and I feel like we can both relate to that year, as we were both enterprising

young tugboat captains, trying desparately to grow cool beards (like rock n' roll)

and read the latest issue of Tomarts Mint on Card toy review during our

lunchbreaks, when we both crashed our respective tugboats into Steamboat

dog-fighting rings because we saw a mint on card Action Force

Tiger Force Super Trooper and went apeshit.

and I know we had both placed bets on those dog fights.

i know the German Shepard, Bossy Besse, I placed my money on didn't win,

and was killed anyway in the tugboat accident, but you never told me

what happened to you. I know it was similar.

please, Dr. Miller-- come back. I hope these memories warm your

heart like a warm yule-tide Christmas 40, a half-and-half

mixture of King Cobra and Olde English High Gravity

love in christ and grand slam,

D. Verburg

offer you will not be refusing

2008-12-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

hello travolers and GI Joes fantics.

this is the merry hacker, offerinc you

super collection 4 sale

(TONS OF ARMY BUI?LDER, WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET, MINT ON CARD)

is from collector

of broca bluth mega staredom,

d vennburg.

i am using his account but he will never

be the wiser if you ACT NOW

here is picture number one just loo0k at it

look at all of these army builder zartans and
super rare nemesis primes! you cant buy that
in stores. of also interesting to you

is chrome head firing-fly, driver of the kobrat

snake IV battle tank/playsets.

he is rarest figure.

let us zone in a little closer.

who is this i see but storm shaq?

storm shatner is rarest G.IO., only one version ever produced

(except rare south american ninjack-plus-ku but you will never find it)

so dream big and start making out personal check to

THE MERRY HACKER

or paypal me up at

merryhackquarterly@hackdome.biz

and we are in business!!

all offers will be tolerated!!

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that's right, is leftennant Clam Moore

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lovingly,

THE MERRY HACKER

Today is fun puzzle day

2008-12-06T23:55:00.000-08:00

Enjoy!

The Yearning, the Liberty

2008-12-05T19:32:00.000-08:00

"In the dead of Haiphong, I found within me an invincible Da Nang." So spoke Albert Camus after his second LRRP tour, or so Hawk tells me. Of course, Hawk also wouldn't let me join Tiger Force.

Here I stand, contemplating my lot in life. The greatest linguist on the G.I. Joe force and they still make me shave my beard once a month. It ... hurts ... when it is not embracing my face, like warm thighs locked in an iron grasp upon my cheeks during a prom evening.

Between the red-hot slugs slicing through the underbrush and Roadblock's pungent porcine musk, I can only turn inward. The Stoic stance of Zeno, of Horace. Can this be enough for me? Or shall I cry out for more? Communications, after all, is my spec-i-al-i-ty.

I see you, I hear you, my friend. All the world is but a bubble glued to card backing. As I was, so are you now. As I am, so too shall you be. MSRP. Who shall caress you? The child, eager in exercising his imagination? Or the collector, emasculated and desperate for the allure of the past?

Sometimes, I try to inhale deeply farts that I have ripp'd,
To recapture this hinting, tinted essence of my being,
So that I may be reborn within my nostrils.

My only regret is having never stolen the Wolverine for a joyride. It calls out to me, at times. I call back in the only tongue I know it understands: the Greater Tri-State Area Sex Offender Registry, of which more than half of the tank's authorized drivers are members.

011010010010000001100001011011010010000001100010011100100110010101100001011010110110010101110010
0110000101101110011001000010000001101001001000000110110001101111011101100110010100100000011110010110111101110101
011000100110010101100011011011110110110101100101001000000110111101101110011001010010000001110111011010010111010001101000001000000110110101100101

Where are they now, those who once I called my family? Alone I drift in this sea of green, this humid inferno clad in radio gear and lacking my soul, my bubble-gum. Bazooka Joe,
I heed your siren song. Breaker, Breaker, this is Breaker... need I define a new modal interface for human interaction? Wherefore the call for literacy, for technologies relevant to our developing multimedia environments? Why are we not satisfied with blue lasers?

come on down
get down
come on get it get it get it

"Beret Patrol"

2008-12-04T21:21:00.000-08:00

SONG OF THE PARA-VIPER

Episode One

"BERET PATROL"

"Ready for mission insertion!" Para-Viper Delta Psi 238 shouted in the night air. "Just call me ... Death Adder. That's going to be my codename, you know."

Nemesis ~~Enforcer~~ Immortal could only roll his eyes in response.

"Let's DO THIS!" the Para-Viper screamed, knocking his fist against his helmet for good luck.

The giant winged fantasy creature who was kind of badass but seriously Cobra-La was so fucking stupid guys let go and soared away, his terrible wings beating the sound of fear into the night.

"YEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

Para-Viper Delta Psi 238's earpiece radio squawked to life. "This is Tele-Viper Echo Foxtrot. Shut the fuck up. This is a stealth mission, soldier! Oh, and by the way, you're about to land on a GI Joe aircraft."

"What the fuck--?" the Viper responded.

Inside the aircraft's cockpit, CAPTAIN BRAD "ACE" ARMBRUSTER shifted his weight, as his erection - caused platonically by turbulence vibration - made it difficult to lie on his stomach, especially since he couldn't actually see out of the cockpit window. "Guys," he signaled via Morse code back to the Pit, "This test-craft sucks worse than the SHARC. Tell Grand Slam that just because there are eyeballs decal'd on the nose, that doesn't mean that you can actually use them to see."

KRONKKK went the Para-Viper landing on the Night Specter (available for only a limited time at TARGART).

Ace tried desperately to maneuver himself - unsuccessfully - to see what was going on out of the corner of his eye. "Oh SHII--"

Some time later, Para-Viper Delta Psi 238 crawled out from under the wreckage of the Night Specter. Sure, he'd been trained how to leap out of planes - but not how to LAND the damn things. "This is Death Add--uh, Para-Viper Delta Psi 238. Insertion accomplished. Time to blow a Joe ... AWAY, that is!"

"Guys," Nash Bridges called to his much cooler beret-wearing brethren. "Did you hear that?"

"Man, we do NOT bring him along next time," Stalker hissed at Flint.

"Really?" Flint replied sarcastically. "Just try to ignore him. Now, come on - that cache of Scarlett's used panties I hid has got to be around here somewhere."

Just then - the Para-Viper/DEATH ADDER sprung out of the shadows and snapped Falcon's neck like his fingers were keeping time to Ornette Coleman jazz music. The lieutenant's body dropped to the ground faster than soap in prison.

As Para-Viper Delta Psi 238 slid the knife from his ankle sheath, its nearly-inaudible SLIIIING sound caused the two trained GI JOE operatives to turn quickly, spotting the covert operations Cobra trooper.

"Aw, nutsack!" Stalker shouted, cocking his gun. He began pouring semiautomatic rounds into his enemy's body.

Flint, meanwhile, threw his shotgun at the Para-Viper with such force that it caved in his mouth and collapsed his windpipe, killing him more instantly than Stalker's 40+ shots fired could have. Because Flint rules, even without his kid gloves.

Later, Flint humped Lady Jaye senseless on the corpse of Para-Viper Delta Psi 238, which was on Falcon's corpse. Stalker beatboxed and occasionally took photos. It was a routine weekend for the Joes.

THE END

Leadership: A Lesson From Cobra Commander

2008-12-03T04:48:00.001-08:00

ONLY NICE THINGS

2008-12-03T00:07:00.000-08:00

"I am completely beside myself with jealous rage right now," hissed Cobra Commander. He was talking to his only friend, the Battle Android Trooper standing on the starboard bow of the Sting Raider. "This boat is titz! Titz on glass!"

Firefly clicked the safety on and off of his uzis, which was his way of looking busy so he didn't have to pay attention to Cobra Commander.

It was a little known fact that Cobra Commander only had B.A.T.s invented so he could have millions of friends who couldn't say no to being his friend.

Inside the cockpit, Copperhead, codename: Cooperhaed, sang .38 Special's entire catalog. He wore a huge helmet however, so .38 Special ended up sounding like Night Ranger to anyone within earshot.

"I-- am a Swamp Buggy Badass!" Cobra Commander howled, fist in the air. "Cooperhaed," he said to Copperhead, "I will pay you another Hamilton and a Lincoln, those filthy dead President Dollars you so need to pay off your gambling debt, if you take us on another lap around Cobra Island!! This is so new-- so different! I'm actually having FUN!" The Commander rasped.

His friend the B.A.T. gave a thumbs-up with his flamethrower, torching 15 acres of the Cobra Island Wetlands Wildlife Preserve.

"COOOOBRA!!"

(in all seriousness, I found this toy tonight and it warrants a serious note. this fucking toy is what G.I. Joe is all about. you can hang dudes off the side, it has a gunner seat and a driver's seat. it has SMUGGLING COMPARTMENTS. anything Hasbro has ever done to wrong you has been erased, I decree. this toy is FUN, which is something everyone in this stupid hobby has been missing since 1994. remember, Broca Blutch is Always Right!! yo joe)

AMERICAS WORST NYYTEMATE PRELUDE

2008-12-02T16:58:00.000-08:00

TO BE CONTINUED IN AMERICAS WORST NITEMARE

Hacker/Espionage - Codename: Aztech

2008-12-02T12:51:00.000-08:00

HACKER/ESPIONAGE
Codename: Aztech

File Name: Montezuma (maybe King Tut)
Primary Military Specialty: Master Hacker/Master Spy
Secondary Military Specialty: Skeleton

--Aztech was born to a long line of Military Skeletons. Joined G.I. Joe when Shipwreck dug him up trying to find some money on shore leave. Mean, focused and utterly obsessed with hacking and spying. Outspoken advocate of Skeleton's rights. Often heard repeating "no fat chicks" in a spooky, reverberating voice. His only weakness is his own sword, a legendary Aztec (or Egyptian) blade of amazing power.--

Spirit Iron Knife says, "This dude's a real Indian, or maybe an Egyptian actually. Anyway, he comes from a long line of Indians, possibly Egyptians, that got killed by Spaniards and other white people. He didn't serve in 'Nam, but don't doubt him for a second-- he'll hack your MacBook and post your Google Search Record on your company's listserv before you can say 'Cortez the Killer.' ...some of the guys suspect he's actually Zartan."

Virus Upload: 25%

Virus Upload: 75%

Virus Upload: 100%

"Let's get the fuck outta here, Snake Eyes. I got a jewel encrusted tomb waiting for me back in the barracks that sounds REAL cozy!"

(either David Willis from shortpacked used an underhanded method
of psychic warfare to steal this idea from me, or
I totally stole it from him. I'm not sure. either way
he has more internet-cred, so I will look like the bad guy.
not that he reads Broca Blutch, he only reads Shortpacked, Joyce and Walky,
Transformers Wiki, Scrubs Wiki and appearances by Zach Braff in Transformers Wiki)

Ultimate Battle Pack -- Explained!

2008-12-01T22:47:00.000-08:00

like many G.I. Joe toys and sets of G.I. Joe toys, the Ultimate Battle Pack (available at Target now!! [thx for the $16 check, target. I will spend it on 40's at Fred Meyer]) is expensive, hard to find and somewhat befuddling. if Smash the State Always Wins, then Broca Blutch is Always Right. I will explain this set to you and calm the fears that keep you awake and keep you from spending your mom's money or your wife's welfare check on this excellent set of plastic toys meant for small children.

WHAT YOU KNOW:
-this set comes with Steeler in Desert outfit with A visor but not THE visor
-this set is your only opportunity to EVER get Short Fuze,
the most important character in G. I. Joe history
-this set comes with Stalker. stalker rules but you already have him.
-you have Destro, Cobra Commander, a HISS Driver and Cobra Trooper, too you say?
-it comes with vehicles?! and you have most if not all of them already?!
-it's only $70?!

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW:
-everything else
-let me explain

take a journey with me. into the mind of a Hasbro toy Executive in 1987, when this was originally brainstormed. the following text will be in RED because it was the actual thought process behind this ultimate fuckin' battle pack.

hey, guys. I think that does up all of the cocaine. I didn't do nearly as much when I thought of Jem, so this should be plenty. remember Jem? she has a new wave pop group that fights other bands by cheating. she has a super-computer that can make her look like anyone and that is pretty awesome. she's like Debbie Harry making love to Cyborg-Alternate-Future Debbie Harry.

anyway, so who do we have left over? Steeler? who the fuck is that guy? oh, well he's a blue collar guy who drives a tank. let's do him in tan plastic, we got plenty of that left over. we either say it's desert camo or it's fuckin' laundry day. also give him Robocop's hat. who cares. okay, he needs a tank. what's the worst one? like the one that will just annoy the shit out of the assholes who gave birth to these kids that buy our shit? like is there one that will drive all over the carpet and scare the crap out of a house cat? MOBEAR? MOBLAM? yeah, put it in.

now, Steeler Pulanski (related to Roman? dude's got fly taste in honeys.) needs some pals. who else do we have left over? Short Fuze? sounds like my ex wife. fine, put him in there. motard soldier? sounds like the ROBEAST tank, fine. he's perfect. who's rounding out our crack team? stalker? look, she dropped the charges-- oh, there's a G.I. Joe man named Stalker? He's black? how progressive. put him in there, but give him a jetpack to equalize his racial handicap. now what are these three guys, the most popular G.I. Joes that we can stuff in a set going to do? I mean I've never heard of any of them but I'm sure they're tough as hell. They have a tank, right?

well, get this shit mochachos. they are going to bring down COBRA'S COMMANDER and THE DESTRO. And their henchmen. that guy with the bandana over his mouth and the guy with fetish boots that drives Cobra's tank. yeah. and Cobra's Commandant will have one of those little flying queer-bubbles. Flight-pod, right. So how will G.I. Joe's retards that we won't sell otherwise bring down the most dangerous plastic terrorists in the world? get THIS SHIT, boardroom: Cobra is driving a bright red tank. even blue collar Stealing Polatski and his band of rejects will be able to spot it. The only place this Cobra tank would blend in? hot fuckin' lava. and tanks can't drive on lava! Whoa, Smitty, mark that shit down-- we need to do a lava wars subset!

anyway, it's done. sell it. we'll sell a billion. and in 1993 some shit will publish a fanzine about how he hates it. I'll read it while I wipe my ass with a hundred dollar bill and his mom's phone number. YO JOE PEOPLE! GET TO WORK!

so, ultimate battle pack explained. you're welcome.